Quietly, we waited for her. Our hearts tethered to one another in a way we’ve never known… never tasted throughout our thirteen years of marriage. Few words were spoken between us. They seemed less necessary in those moments—almost intrusive. Instead, we just looked at one another, knowing that in a few moments, our lives would take another turn—a reality we knew was coming, yet one not adequately prepared for—
the look of my new body.
Tenderly, Nurse Beth unwrapped my dressings. Beneath the bandages was a week-long hidden mystery—a fright I refused to address in the days preceding its unveiling. It wasn’t as hideous as I had imagined. It was what it is—
a new me packaged a little differently in an old flesh.
Together we cried. I knew that we would. And when I looked into his eyes, I saw something I didn’t think was possible. I saw a deeper love, a renewed love, a love that courageously took my heart, yet again, as his own, and spoke a rich renewal into the deepest fiber of the deepest part of me.
My man loves me, and I love him. Today we celebrate the gift of life—both his and mine. Today he turns 43. Today I share that life with him, knowing that my cancer has not gotten the best of me and that, God willing, we’ll have several more birthday celebrations in the years to come. He tells me that it is enough of a gift—that he doesn’t need stuff. He just needs me—the new me, and that I am his birthday blessing.
Friends, the results of our Dr.’s visit yesterday confirms the preliminary conclusion from surgery. My breast cancer is staged at a IIA level (tumor is between 2-5 centimeters but hasn’t spread to the axillary lymph nodes). The three sentinel lymph nodes (the first lymph nodes closest to the tumor before it spreads to the rest of the body) that were removed and tested for cancer all came back clean with no signs of spreading. Accordingly, radiation will not be a part of my follow-up treatment plan. A chemotherapy regimen will be determined in the very near future and underway after I’ve had a few weeks of healing.
Just yesterday, I was asked by a friend as to the reasons behind my choice for a swift, aggressive approach to treating the cancer. My answer (although I’m not sure a question like that really warrants an answer) was firm, swift, and full of conviction.
I want to live.
Why?
The reasons are three-fold.
#1. I am committed to the spiritual growth of my family. I want to give my children some years… some more time to get grown and to get established in their faith. I want to be part of that shaping process. I don’t want my kids to receive their modeling from outside influences. I want to be that influence because I happen to believe that Godly parents do more to further a child’s heart toward a life with God than alternate persuasions.
#2. I am committed to the earthly tenure I’ve been given. Life is a precious gift and worthy of preserving. I am convinced that I was created with a good…a God-purpose in mind. For as long as I have breath, I am wholly devoted to that purpose—to preserving the temple that is on loan to me so that I can live out…
#3. My commitment to know God more with each passing day and then, out of that knowing, lead others to know the same. I want to do more for God’s kingdom, more toward advancing the cause of the Gospel. I know that his truth can march on without me, but it feels right and good and holy wonderful to be part of the story—the telling of it and living it therein.
That’s why I chose and will continue to choose to face my cancer with a fightin’ spirit. That’s why a double mastectomy was an easy choice for me. That’s why chemotherapy and any other therapy will be embraced without reservation in the days to come.
Not because I am attached to my flesh, but rather because I am attached to my life—a God-fearing, gettin’-down-to-Jesus-business, kind of life. If I’m living for any other reason—if I choose to aggressively fight my cancer so that I might extend my life in order to enjoy the fleeting, temporal/fleshly pleasures of this life—then I have chosen poorly, with wrong motives at the helm. This world has nothing for me; like the Apostle Paul, for me “to live is Christ; to die is gain.” Either way, I get God, and that, my friends, is the proper perspective from which to view each new day that is granted to our care and guardianship.
Today, my husband’s birthday is granted therein. And while I haven’t been able to do any shopping along these lines, I’m thinking many kind and good thoughts toward him. He’s been an unimaginable friend and lover to me in these last few weeks. Thirteen years ago, God saw better my need for him than I did. God pushed me to the altar to accept the gift of Billy. And just this morning, he took my hands in his again, helped me into the shower and cleaned my ailing flesh.
And I have never loved him more. And he loved me back. And I am grateful for this man who willingly chose me and allowed me to take his name as my own. As a way of honoring this special day, I want to share with you a poem my Uncle Bill wrote in honor of Billy’s birthday. I imagine your knowing my man more intimately would render greater appreciation for the tenderness of Uncle Bill’s words, but this isn’t just for you, friends. It’s mostly for my Billy. Would you join me in celebrating the gift of his life this day?
{the killian siblings from l to r, Uncle Bill, my daddy Chuck, Aunt Patty, Uncle George}
Billy at 43
Lord, it’s Sunday morning,
and Billy has to preach –
boy turns 43 on the 10th.
Wife and four children –
facing mighty tough times,
but, Lord, it’s Sunday morning,
and Billy has to preach.
Help him to carve out the truth –
the truth from his text
and his subtext. Prayin’ for him,
Lord; if he gets the Sunday off,
he’ll still be giving it up for others –
man of compassion like this
doesn’t shut down when hurtin’ –
so, Lord help this Billy man,
cause on Friday he turns 43.
Lord, when I was 43
I just done sobered up,
never coulda faced
what this preacher man handles –
a new parish, a family in pain,
and his own heart broken
but with a faith that sustains.
And here we have
his former parish
coming out in droves
to say We love ya,
and family and friends
from around the world
are holding this holy home
in a protective love that releases
the deepest cry,
and it is that cry, Lord,
that will see us through.
Yes, as I was sayin’ –
it’s Sunday morning, Lord,
and Billy has to preach.
{william killian
written for billy olsen
for his forty-third birthday
faithful husband
and sweetheart
to my precious niece
elaine
sunday september four
two thousand ten}
It’s Sunday morning, Lord, and we all have to preach! Help us to preach you well. As always,
Peace for the journey,
((((HUGS)))) to you, dear sister…what grace He has endowed to overflowing on me…continuing to pray…
and may God touch Billy with a 'more than you could ever imagine' grace in this year…
Elaine, you've moved me to tears with this beautiful and poignant post. Thank you for sharing such an honest and intimate glimpse into all that you guys are going through right now. Thank you for putting it into words. You and your Billy are an inspiration, and I continue to hold you in my heart and in my prayers. May you two enjoy a beautiful birthday together!
I am continuing to pray for you, dear heart. And for Billy. Isn't it such a gift to have husbands who show such grace and kindness? I have one too!
Love to you.
Praise God! We will continue to lift you up, sister! God is gracious!!! 😉
Love & Prayers,
Kennisha
Happy Birthday Billy. You have one awesome wife–what a gift!
Oh Elaine –
As others have said, thank you for this glimpse into your life right now.
Tears and a deep gratefulness that I have gotten to know you, even a little bit through your blog, have accompanied my reading of this post.
Praise God for the work He is doing in your life. Praise God for such a husband, so deeply in love with his bride. Praise God for such a good report.
Thank you for your prayers dear friend. That even in the midst of your own pain, that you would take the time out to pray for me humbles me more than you know.
Love to you – and love and best wishes to Billy on his birthday!
heather
Elaine, I love your three reasons for desiring to live. You are truly a God honoring, loving child of the King. Your motives are so pure and right. There's no selfishness at all in your answer. I can already see that in the midst of your challenges, you are running to the only One that has all the answers. And even if you don't get to understand this side of eternity, you are being a wonderful example of an obedient servant.
Happy Birthday to your Billy! I'm so glad the Lord brought you two together. What a gift for each one of you!
Much love and prayer,
Debbie
May Billy's birthday be a special day today filled with God's favor everywhere he steps. And, you, my dear are a sweet blessing to all of us. Praying for total healing and many years to serve our wonderful Jesus.
What a wonderful gift you have been given–a man who loves you deeply and who loves God and serves Him faithfully.
And what a gift Billy has been given–a wife who through every circumstance, even cancer, loves the Lord and give Him the glory and praise for everything, and especially for life itself. And a wife who loves her man, and demonstrates respect and thankfulness for all he is.
Blessings on you both as you continue to walk through this time in your lives.
Moved to tears by your words and those of your Uncle Bill. Blessings to you and your Billy on this special day and prayers for strength and sustenance to your family.
Love you,
Mary
Praise God for your continued healing!! Also, I am thanking the Lord for your wonderful husband and his support and love for you! May you both have many, MANY years together to serve the Lord and enjoy the life He gives.
Living for Him, Joan
Blessing the LORD for you Elaine and the heart of GOD which you walk with!
Birthday blessings to your hubby and may the Presence and Peace of GOD always rest with each one of you and your family.
Love and hugs!
P.S. love the photo of the two of you.
Happy Birthday Billy!!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your beautiful wife with us.
Elaine, you do this so well:
. ..I want to do more for God’s kingdom, more toward advancing the cause of the Gospel.
Please email me your new address when you are up to it.
Sending more love then words could ever express♥
Happy Birthday Billy….I loved this post…I have that same kind of man and many days take it for granted
Elaine this brought tears to my eyes! I have been praying for you and I will continue to do so! You are an inspiration and an encouragement to me! The Lord must be so delighted that he created YOU! 🙂
Beautifully said! I can see the Glory of God through your words.
There is no doubt that this is… "a day worth celebrating."
Praying.
Well, you got me! I am without words…
This is stunning, Elaine.
Love, love, love!!
R&B
A beautiful testimony…poem is tender.
oooh sweetie. LOVE you – and your spirit which always encourages me did double duty in this post. What a blessing to ALL of us. Happy birthday, Billy!
((hugs, too!))
sweet, sweet words…God IS using you more and more…glad no nodal involvement
Dear Elaine, Such a powerful post-with such a truth filled understanding of how precious and short our time is here and how important that we use it wisely for the Lord.
Happy Birthday to your hubby-what a man you have been blessed with. Such love and tenderness could only come from above.
Hugs today.
Noreen
I heard someone once say: "I plan to live until I die". I'm hearing you say that same thing. You plan to live fully and abundantly, to which I shout "hallelujah"!
Something tells me you'd have accepted whatever, Elaine. So I believe strongly the Lord has put life into your heart, and that for a purpose & reason as yet to be told. Those given are awesome, but I know He's got something truly inconceivable to deliver in and through you.
I'm so proud of you! I love that you stared cancer in the eye and didn't buckle. I love it that you love life; love your family; love your man. If that love isn't worth living for, what is?
You're a gift, dear one. Enjoy the birthday boy and all the day holds.
I love you, and thank God for what He's doing in your lives,
Kathleen
Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful!! And that's what you! Sending Hugs to both you and Billie and praying this next year will be the most amazing!!!
Believing Him~Pamela
PS We, Joe and I, still pray faithfully for you each morning!
Wow!! a great post…again!! Such awesome words from the heart!
Still praying for you…
~Beth
One more time Elaine, your words leave me almost wordless… almost, but not quite! I have enough words to wish your Billy the happiest birthday he's ever had, and with the gift of Elaine by his side, I believe the BEST is ahead for both of you.
The poem was perfect. Nothing needs to be added, except our very best birthday wishes!
I could get really excited when I think of what is ahead for you 2! Your walk and your words are touching so many.
Keep sharing, you have an eager audience!
Hugs!
Elaine,
Praise Jesus for no lymph node involvement. That is spectacular news. I am rejoicing with you and your family .
Happy Birthday, Billy. May you and Elaine celebrate a gazillion more birthdays together.
Leah
What beautiful thoughts to share with us after all you have been through. I have a husband like yours loving me no matter what and for that I am so thankful. Praying for you and many healthy reports ahead. Jackie
Beautiful words here, Elaine. And what an amazing birthday poem for your Billy!
Truely, you both are vessels greatly used by God to touch the hearts of many!!
Continuing to pray for you, sweet friend!
HE IS FAITHFUL!
Love and Sweet Blessings!
Jackie
We rejoice with you and yours in the awesome news you have received. May you continue to recover with the same spirit you have today. God is so good! He knows what we need and when we need it even before we do. Happy Birthday Billy. He is indeed one of a kind and a treasure. We really miss you guys!
Your Billy and my Benny share the same birthday although they don't share the same age! (Benny's several years older)
It's just as I knew it would be between you….your love will only grow deeper and stronger and sweeter no matter what life throws at you!
What a great inspiration you are to me Elaine!
May God continue to heal you inside and out.
Love you friend!
Marilyn…in Mississippi
Elaine, you bless me so!!! And I am crying tears of joy at your wonderful news and praising our GREAT GOD!!
Holy hugs, Kathie
Well I am just blubbering all over the place…this is a wonderful, touching post.
Happy birthday to BOTH of you! Bill and I are celebrating your good news, Elaine. We just wish we could be there to celebrate Billy's special day with y'all and watch him blow out allllll those candles! 😉
The more we get to know you two, the more we love you. What a wonderful gift God gave to you both when He gave you each other.
Love you…
Elaine, I heard your news through the tears of my Judy-Mom who loves you. I'm sorry I've not been here to read all of your journey. I've been away some from blog land. But this is the first time in a month that I could come and what a post. You will be in my prayers and I'm rejoicing with you for these initial results. God supplies all the grace we need for what we are required to live in this broken world….I'm glad He is providing the grace to my Judy-Mom to walk it with you. She blesses me so much….I'm delighted to share her.
Tears…birthday wishes…LIFE praises…amazing inspiration…prayers…and thank you for the blessing….
Trust Billy's special day was wonderful!
Once again sharing your heart has touched mine.
Love the picture of you and yours. So precious.
Glad you are continuing on this healing journey and that the Lord is showering you with blessings along the way.
This was a powerful post Elaine. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life here with all of us.
Happy Birthday , Billy.
My husband and I read this post together. Of course I cried. I realize my husband would do the same as your Billy and I love him more for having read this through YOUR experience. Does that make any sense???
Thanks for suffering. It has been good for me. (I hope you understand that last sentence is not a selfish statement but a humble and true one, nonetheless.)
I'm celebrating the wonderful news of the containment of your cancer. And I pray for your continuing journey to healing. And I thank God for bringing you into one another's lives. Happy Birthday, Billy! Hugs all ~ Merana
Rejoicing with you for life – Billy's and yours! Fight well – fight strong and keep "gettin down to His business"!
((hugs)) Elaine! Happy Birthday Billy!
Shalom,
Denise
SO love you Elaine!!! And Happy 43 Billy!!! You two are something special and such a reminder of our sweet Jesus!! Thank you for sharing your life with us here on this blog.
Prayers going up constantly for you all!!!
A brave woman you are,and your husband. My grandmother, my aunt, and my mother had breast cancer, only on one side and they all passed away from another cause decades later. NOTHING , even cancer, even pain, nothing can ever stop you from loving . Bless you , remember to be gentle with yourself , Gina
Faith is the most beautiful thing. All your reasons to fight would be mine also. My heart is ignited with the fire of fellowship with you as I read your post. I am not good at dealing with things like cancer. I cry everytime I enter a hospital or nursing home or the like. It rips me.
I applaud Jesus in your fight because only His amazing love could make such a bitter experience express such beautiful words. I love the poem too. I don't know your husband, but we have a mutual Savior and Father and our hearts are one.
Please know Elaine, even if my words are few, my feet don't fail to go to the Throne.
I am so inspired by your faith and your love for Jesus. Every time!
Love,
Kathy
Happy Birthday Husband for the Journey!
What a precious tribute to LIFE – the JESUS and to the love of a marriage in working order!!!
big [[HUGS]] for you both!
Praying for you both and praising God for you, too!
Blessings and Love,
Stephanie
Elaine, Every time I read one of your posts I find myself breathing deeply and attempting to soak in some Jesus from your pen. I'm blessed through your words and thankful to our Lord.
Tonight I sit with hubby still facing day 5 of hospitalization. Pneumonia is an evil partner when transplant has caused your immune system to be depleted.
Your words of love toward/from your hubby encourage my own heart in our nearly 30 year partnership:)
Continuing to pray for you and your precious family. Happy belated birthday to Billy!! Congrats on the good report!
I am glad to read that your surgery went well (considering) and that your plan of attack is set. Your children and family are worth fighting this cancer.
Happy belated birthday to your beloved. Thank you for sharing this wonderful birthday poem from your uncle to your hubby.
Love & peace,
<>< Iris
Your writing and your walk through the journey God has laid before you is an encouragement to read and watch.
wow… sometimes that's all i can say when you touch my heart so deeply.
i thank God for you Elaine and I pray that He just continue to pour out in abundance upon your life! may the Healing touch our precious Lord be felt on your skin today.
Elaine,
If I could hand pick a few people I wanted to know more closely from this blog world we are a part of…you'd be a first round pick.
I hope you feel my prayers.
(Happy Birthday Preacher Billy!)
Wow, Elaine…you made me cry.
Praising God for Billy's birthday.
Praising God for the gift YOU are.
Praying for your complete healing every day.
Love, much love,
t
I am overwhelmingly thankful. God is so good, so gracious, so faithful.
Such a post of pure beauty. I believe you and Billy are God's gifts to each other.
Praise His name for His glory in you both! I am so grateful for the wonderful report. Ever so grateful.
Andrea
Praising God with you both – and for your lives, individually and together. Great things He hath done!
I love all of your reasons for living! You GO girl!
Happy Birthday to dear preacher Billy!
Patrina <")>><
wifeforthejourney:
I am so humbled over your unconditioinal love for me and for our children, words fail me. There are so many good things that I have in you, how God has blessed our family, our church and a host of friends far and near with someone like you.
I wish we did not have to walk this road we are on right now, but since this is where we find ourselves, I'm glad we can walk it together.
I know I tell you this all the time, but its true, nobody else is like you, and I'm so glad you're mine!
~ Billy
Absolutely beautiful, Elaine!! I LOVE you, girl!
Cuz Carol Lynn~
Your Billy is quite a man for the journey, Elaine.
You are blessed.
And loved.
Love you much.
Sweet dreams.
What a precious, precious gift you have in your dear Billy, and what a precious, precious gift he has in you. Very happy to read about your cancer report! May God's grace and mercy continue to abound in your home. I absolutely loved that poignant poem.
You are greatly loved…
Tracy
Dear Elaine ~
I didn't take the time to read all the comments here. I'm sure they are filled with love and support, as they should be. I just caught up on your blog.
I read this post to my husband of 33 years. He came in when I was reading it and saw my tears. I told him about you and that we'd been married long enough for him to understand the significance of the post. He was so touched as well.
Crisis will either drive lovers together or apart. You have a godly, sacrificial, committed husband. Your words were so powerful in honoring him and your marriage. It is a shining example of how God designed life-long marriage to be.
We were also moved by Billy's birthday poem. So profound … being in the ministry is a very unique place as far as crisis is concerned. A plumber or an engineer or a teacher can take vacation days to weather personal disasters. Pastors still "have to preach" even when their hearts are breaking.
I have been overwhelmed with your writings … the deepest truths revealed in the darkest hours … if we are looking for them as you are.
I feel as close to you as someone you've known all your life, and I've never met you. I feel this journey with you all the way over here in IDAHO! LOLOL!
Your "holy home" is in my prayers, dear friend.
with love,
Candy
The love written here leaves me speechless.