Life hasn’t turned out the way that I thought it would.
I thought it would turn toward all things lovely. Instead, it turned differently. Sometimes lovely. Sometimes in stark contrast, but never quite in the direction that I thought it would. I feel the profundity of it today, as I lie upon my prayer quilt and hammer out my thoughts with God.
He understands. We’ve been here before. Perhaps, he too, shares in my disappointment. Not because his love for me breathes less as a result of my sin, but simply because he knows that my life could have lived differently. A better different, but it hasn’t. And this has been his surrendered gift to me.
A gift that allows a life to walk within the parameters of a freely chosen will. Mine, not his.
I’ve taken God up on his offer many times. Too many to count. Too awfully painful to chronicle in this moment. I don’t tell you this to warrant your sympathy. I simply offer it to you as my explanation for a life that currently lives differently than how I imagined it would live all those many years ago—when life walked young and free and full of ideals that had room to breathe and with the ample innocence to fuel their imagining.
That was then. This is now. And the life lived between innocence’s conception and innocence’s death was a vast territory of wild and reckless exploration that weeps its remembrance this day.
There are portions of the Promised Land that I will never walk on this side of eternity. Not because my Father doesn’t delight in giving me his grace-filled abundance, but rather because my sin has kept me from it. Forty-two years worth of living have authored some seasons of regrets—times in life that have been lost to the indulgence of fleshly appetites over the reasoned pursuit of holiness.
I understand this. I accept it. I know and live the ramifications of my choices everyday. This doesn’t mean that life breathes a pitiful existence for me; it would be a quick leap to live within that conclusion. No, what it means is that life simply walks different and with a full awareness that some of the dreams birthed on the front end of my existence will only find their completed rest on the backside of eternity.
Not here. Not yet, but in the Promised Land that lies just beyond these years of my desert pilgrimage.
Moses walked the territory between a promise given and its final fruition. He would never taste the milk and honey of a God-given dream, much less walk upon its soil. He would only witness it from a distance. From atop a mountain where God would open up his eyes to the wild imaginings of sacred possibility. Moses didn’t come to the mountain with the hope of God changing his mind in the matter. He’d walked with his Father long enough to reason better.
No, when Moses made the climb up Mt. Nebo that day, he did so knowing that death awaited his arrival. Moses came to the mountain to die. To witness with his eyes a final taste of earth’s best and then to witness through life’s surrender his first taste of eternity’s forever—a lasting best that far exceeds any lovely we could walk on this side of heaven.
Indeed, Moses’ life hadn’t turned out the way that he thought it would. His sin kept him from walking God’s perfect and best will. But his finish?
Well, it turned out better than he could have ever imagined. It turned out perfect and lovely and full of the wild imaginings that had followed him since his youth.
The Promised Land…forever beneath his feet.
It is the same for us, even if life isn’t walking the way that we thought that it would. There is coming a better day when all of this will be left behind and traded in for something far more wonderful than our minds and hearts can currently conceive.
If you don’t believe this—if for some reason you’re convinced that your “current” is as good as it gets and that it will breathe as similar in your “next”—then can I be so bold as to suggest that you’ve cast your faith with the wrong King?
This isn’t it, oh sleepy pilgrim. What you and I are living today isn’t the final word on our forever. This life isn’t perfectly lovely, and it certainly isn’t God’s final best. If I believed this, I would walk away in an instant and pay homage to the closest golden calf, because, quite frankly, this faith walk has been hard fought and painfully lived and deserves a final promise that exceeds my mind’s capacity for imagining.
If I could take hold of everything that God intends for me in my now, if I could capture the true pulse of a perfected good within my heart and on this side of eternity, then I’m pretty sure I would stop trying to get there. My pressing on would walk in vain. If this is as good as it gets, then I’m done because life has not turned in the direction that I thought it would.
But it will, even as it did for Moses.
One day soon, because my faith exceeds my flesh, and for all of the sins that have kept me from the fullness of God’s best in my “now,” there is none so great that will keep me from God’s best in my next.
My Promised Land—where milk and honey will be my portion and where God’s lovely will be my perfected end.
That, my friends, is what I’m after. That is the day that I am longing for, for me and for you. And until we make our final climb of surrender, may God grant us all the strength and the wisdom to walk with intention and with the promise of forever pulsing in our veins.
As always,
~elaine
Copyright © September 2008 – Elaine Olsen. All rights reserved.
Thanks Elaine for the CD. I’m blessed by you. Thank you.
The hope of heaven makes today worth living.
Have a blessed day!
Oh friend…there ARE those seasons that find us clinging for all we’re worth to eternity’s promise, aren’t there?
Thanks for this glimpse of it.
Blessings for a better today, than yesterday,
Melinda
I understand your heart’s overflow today…more than you know…nothing is as I imagined it…and for this I am glad…for it behooves me to look to His imaginings outside of my humanity…how preciously worded..thank you, Elaine…
Elaine, sometimes a song gives me the words I long to say. I love you my friend.
Innocence Lost ~ Amy Grant
I can’t relive my life
I can’t retrace my tracks
I can’t undo what’s done
There is no going back
I chased a selfish dream
Did not survey the cost
Illusions disappeared
I’ve found my innocence lost
Some say it’s lessons learned
Some say it’s a living life
I say it’s choices made
Knowing wrong from right
One night I fought to sleep
In my slumber I turned and tossed
I woke to a cloudy day
And found my innocence lost
Innocent child is a beautiful thing
Secure in her father’s arms
Sleeps while a mother sings
There’s no way to know
All the harm this world can bring
I miss my innocence
Oh, to be innocent
My heavenly Father
The well of eternal love
That overflows with grace
I can completely trust
My broken heart repaired
And all my sin forgot
I can be pure again
In spite of my innocence lost
In his eyes I’m a newborn child
Cuz I accept his love
I have a newfound hope
Though I’ve found my innocence lost
I can be pure again
I’ve found my innocence lost
~ I Will Listen by Twila Paris
Hard as it seems
Standing in dreams
Where is the dreamer now
Wonder if I
Wanted to try
Would I remember how
I don’t know the way to go from here
But I know I have made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
This is the faith
Patience to wait
When there is nothing clear
Nothing to see
Still we believe
Jesus is very near
I can not imagine what will come
But I’ve already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
Could it be that He is only waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams
that He has dreamed for me
Can’t imagine what the future holds
But I’ve already made my choice
And this is where I stand
Until He moves me on
And I will listen to His voice
I loved this statement and needed its reminder today.
“If I could take hold of everything that God intends for me in my now. . . this side of eternity, then I’m pretty sure I would stop trying to get there.”
Reminds me of Proverbs 30:8-9
. . .give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the LORD ?’ Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.
Wow Elaine! I can’t describe to you the perfect timing of your e-mail inviting me to come visit you today. Reading this has caused the flesh woman in me to sit down and take a seat to the woman of God I long to be. If I’m the only one who has been steered from making sinful decisions I was leaning toward from reading this post then Hallelujah!!!
Thank you for your desire to be bold Elaine and post what God laid on your heart versus playing it safe to not step on hearts. I love you for that alone my friend and I won’t be wiping your foot print off my heart. It will serve as a reminder for the sinful woman in me that God is what I want in my life, NOT the fulfilling of desires that only bring death!
Love you,
Lelia
Elaine…oh my goodness. Your words rang clear and deep in my own past of regrets. But I loved LOVED your words, “What you and I are living today isn’t the final word on our forever”. Oh my what a homeland awaits us. Tears came to my eyes as I read—and still now as I try and pluck out a response to you—thanking you for the obedience that it requires to persevere with getting the message out there—to those of us—who on a weekly basis—may feel the price of our sin hammering down on us like the pelting rains. But HE paid that price—I remind myself—and the verse –‘there is now no more condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus’—ALWAYS come to my mind. His note of love—reminding me that He paid it all.
I love and appreciate you and your constant telling of TRUE WORDS.
Thanks sister-friend-for sharing it with me! I have been so very busy—bogged down at every available moment in a Bible Study on our sisters of faith site—and someone asked me today—“did you bite off more than you could chew”? I don’t know. What I do know is that what you are called to do—will not always be easy. There will be time you will have to give up the TV—the extra online visiting—the telephone calls that can go on and on…but the end result of time with HIM—-totally worth it. I am ignorant—but learning. Someone else could do a much better job—but–it’s what we felt led to do on our sister blog.
We will end it up 90 days from Sept 1. Which will be along about the same time last year when Wanda’s health started failing so quickly. Maybe God’s plan is to keep our minds so occupied that we don’t think about the last several months of life with out her. I don’t know. I know enough to listen. With both ears.
Love, Angie (the Knightly News)
I love you Elaine!
Oh, sweet friend! What an awesome post. “And until we make our final climb of surrender, may God grant us all the strength and the wisdom to walk with intention and with the promise of forever pulsing in our veins.” I want to walk with that strength intentionally until I get to the Promised Land. I just love the way that God leads me to blogs that have direct messages for me from Him-via you!Thank you!!
Love,
Susan
I’m imagining standing on that mountain, the dream of the “Promised Land” almost within my reach, so real that I can almost taste it’s presence, yet knowing for now the looking is the gift and not the living. So close, yet so far away. I wonder if Moses thought, “if only I’d…”
Instead of turning backwards, we can turn towards the better and cling to the promised eternity.
In sweet surrender,
Joy
Elaine,
Thanks so much for the invitation to your heartfelt words today.
My life is quite different than I had hoped for… but in some ways it is better than I could have imagined. My different has caused me to cling to God in a way that I never thought possible. My different has caused me to seek His face and walk in faith like I never thought I would… or could. I have come to a place that I want to know Him more than I want anything else.
Your words were a blessing to me today. I am lifting you up in prayer.
Lynn
Dear Elaine,
Thanks for the invite to read these deeply touching words from your heart.
What a powerful reminder of what we are truly living for.
As I was reading your post the scripture that came to my mind was in Hebrews 11: 13-14:
All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were ALIENS and STRANGERS on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a BETTER COUNTRY—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (
As part of the body of Christ we too have be called out, to be separate. This is our home.
I’m glad you are not turning back but looking ever forward my friend.
May God continue to uphold and sustain you as you journey on.
Thanks for taking us along~
PS Typo!! This is NOT our home!!!
Love you♥
Were I to begin penning tales of my life's detours, losses, sorrows, failures, betrayals and shattered dreams (some that came by way of my own willful ways; others that came by the willfulness of others; and yet others that derive from life's fickle unfairness) … well, the saga would drone on and on into a work the size of War & Peace.
As I read your current post, I think over and over of how like pilgrims we truly are, and how much we need each other. I am found humming …
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Oh yes, Lord, haste the day!
Kathleen
Praying for you in this season. It may be time to exchange phone numbers….
Thank you for pouring out your heart and soul. Psalm 62:1-2 My soul finds rest in God alone… He is my rock… I will never be shaken. Rest in His love.
There has been a verse from Hebrews that has stuck in my mind for years. It is about Abraham and his yearning for the place God had promised him…the thing that gets me in the verse is that the scripture says…he could have gone back.
Each time I choose my own way..I am looking back. But the hope that is within me will not allow me to stay there long.I know that I have missed out on what could have been…but what will be…that is the choice.
Travis Cottrell and Beth wrote a song about Abraham…it is on the Patriarchs c.d. I love this song…it speaks what is in my heart. A longing for a better place…a place we will never have to leave.No more sorrow and no more regrets!
“life hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would”….Oh my goodness where do I began. I’m too tired to think about where. I’ll just pray for the rapture…
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!
You’re right, my friend, and I can identify with your story. This is not our best life now … not even close. “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12).
How I long for that day!
What poetic words you use to capture the pilgrimage. It is not always easy…but in the end, always worth it.
Elaine, you are Scribe for the King.
Beautiful. Cannot say it enough.
~And until we make our final climb of surrender, may God grant us all the strength and the wisdom to walk with intention and with the promise of forever pulsing in our veins.~
As you know, Elaine, humor is how God helps me get through the day….As I read these last words of yours, I was reminded of a quote by Erma Bombeck (her humor has lifted my spirits on many an occasion). But sometimes she was just as poignant as she was funny. Here are Erma’s words that your thoughts brought to my mind:
~When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.”~
God bless you, friend!
Amy:)
My heart aches with your words today Elaine, just as all creation groans. And once again, I feel I have learned from a mentor. Praise God there is a final deliverance, a perfect land of promise.
Thanks for the invitation to share in your heart’s offering today. At times I’ve allowed my own heart to ponder how different my life could be, were it not for my sin, and it’s always a bitter swallow. And yet, I also realize my life is different in so many amazing ways I could have never imagined (and certainly don’t deserve), thanks to the love and grace of God.
Praising Him for the sweet assurance of these words:
One day soon, because my faith exceeds my flesh, and for all of the sins that have kept me from the fullness of God’s best in my “now,” there is none so great that will keep me from God’s best in my next.
May God’s perfect peace to settle into your heart and soul my friend.
Love,
Tracy
Oh wow, your amazing words and the reminder of the Twila Paris song have me in tears. When I went through my divorce I played that song over and over again. Not quite where I thought I would be, now where I should be, plans and dreams crashing around me…the future of standing in white before God. As Evie sang in the 70″…”Clean before my Lord am I”. Thanks for taking time to share your heart.
Dear Elaine, I have one of those deep dark sins that I never talk about… no one knows… or could even imagine. But because of the reconciliation given by God, I am the woman I am today. And today, I taste the fruit. No longer bitter. But sweet. What could have caused so much pain… and did… has now been taken by the Great Gardener and brought to abundance. And I am humble, my friend. Very humble… yet, by the grace of God go I… and so I walk… each step with Him… and those around me benefit… as well… and they would not receive this benefit… unless God could reconcile this vile sinner… me.
Incredible! This is one of those post that I will chew on all day! Thanks!
~Jennifer
wifeforthejourney:
Thank you for your faithfulness and your willingness to invest your time and talents in all of us. All these posted comments confirm that you have found a vital and important place in ministry. My hope for the future remain high, because our God is in the business of exceeding all expectations!
Love,
~ Billy
The best is yet to come! Glory to God!
Elaine, I, too, am looking forward to that beautiful day when our faith will be made sight!
Elaine, Wow, once I make it past the beauty of your writing, I allow the message to sink in. The fact that you are authentic just makes the message that much more meaningful to me. Thank you for sharing passionately from your heart.
Oh my goodness…”One day soon, because my faith exceeds my flesh, and for all of the sins that have kept me from the fullness of God’s best in my “now,” there is none so great that will keep me from God’s best in my next”. Oh His goodness. I am speechless and awed…my heart understands these words more than ayone but God will ever know.
All the dreams and hopes from the day that I was born again (31 years ago today) never came to pass and I look back today on those years and although I have made so many wrong choices but I look toward the Christ that is the author and finisher of my faith! I look to east and await HIS coming!
Elaine,
You said this well, and full of truth. God’s TRUTH. This isn’t the best, and how do we know this? Because God tells us time and time again, so we wouldn’t settle for less.
I’m so thankful that your heart is beating the pulse of obedience. And today, my heart is also, at a rate of being more consistent obedient than I have ever before. I thank God for that!
I thank Him also for you! I’m thankful for something better than this life, quite honestly, this isn’t so hot many days. I love life, and I have much peace, but this can’t be the best there is.
Love,
Yolanda
Elaine,
I understand the ache between what has been, what I’ve dreamed about, what is, and what is to come.
Heaven is our Promised Land and when we set our gaze towards our eternal future, it helps make this short life more doable. Yes, sin is found within each of us and that comes with regrets. Boy, do I have my seasons and lists. But I believe when God looks at us, His children, He doesn’t see flaws and mud, He sees beauty and He feels amazing love. We are covered in the righteousness of Christ. We can walk in confidence trusting we are almost “home.” Every step of the way, we are held in His strong hand. Knowing we are His beloved is the strength we need to carry us through the valleys and mountains until we meet Him face to face.
Thanks for sharing your heart about the journey. Peace, my friend, as you walk in the path He paves for you each day.
Focused heavenward,
Tiffany
Oh, Elaine. Thank you for pointing me here and to blogs following. This truly DID speak to me, and brought me to tears. Looking forward to reading parts 2 and 3.
Oh – and stop by my blog for a bit of something from my heart to yours. 🙂