Chapters.
We all have them. Our life stories are made up of them. Segments and seasons of our journeys adequately chronicled and punctuated, each ending half-way down a blank page, indicating to us and to the reader that another segue is about to begin. Not that what has been written up to this point doesn’t spill over into the next chapter; life certainly spills over. Rather we live with the understanding that some seasons must find their ending before a new one can find its beginning. Such is the case with my cancer. Yesterday both marked an ending of one chapter and the beginning of another one.
Yesterday, I made a final visit to my surgical oncologist, Dr. Habal, in Greenville. The evening prior, I made two honeybun cakes to deliver to him and the wonderful staff that supports him in his work. I also wrote a card, expressing to them my grateful thanks for their taking good care of me in this portion of my journey. For answering every phone call with energy, time, and grace. For handing me a tissue when need be. For being pleasant at every turn. For treating me as a person, not as a paycheck. For making sure that my “bad news” was delivered and processed in a good way, and mostly, for being willing to laugh at my jokes, cry at my words, and hug me as I left. Before my visit was over, I’d met everyone in that office, making sure to tell each one of them that, “What you do here matters. Every good and kind gesture is a gift you give to a family who has, possibly, just been given the worst news of their lives. Keep doing it; you do it so well.”
They thanked me, most of them through tears, and I felt incredibly blessed for having had this heart intersection—mine with theirs. I won’t return to their practice for another five months. In the meantime, I’ll begin living the next chapter of my cancer journey a little closer to home.
Introduce Dr. Bakri and the medical oncology team at Cape Fear Valley Regional Hospital. Over the next 4-5 months, I’ll be spending some time in their care as they manage my chemotherapy regimen. And while I am completely satisfied that my care will be given high priority and consideration, the “climate” in that place is a departure from the “climate” of Dr. Habal’s. It feels more clinical… more distant… more programmed… less warm. Perhaps it was the chemo chairs I saw lining a dimly lit wall; perhaps the patients bravely inhabiting those chairs. Maybe it was the dated wallpaper or tiled floors that added to my angst. Maybe it was the sobering reality that came from an hour plus discussion with Dr. Bakri—a reality that says “This is far from over and that reoccurrence is a strong possibility without treatment, 1/3 lesser with treatment.”
Reoccurrence. I hadn’t thought much about that. What I had previously thought was a relatively “done deal” (and naively so) is far from done, and the idea of having to undergo further needle pricks, stomach sickness, losing my hair in addition to losing my breasts—well, all was overwhelming. Rather than leaving that place with thankful tears and hugs all around, I left with my own tears of sadness and with a single man at my side who was feeling his own depth of pain.
My next chapter. I don’t much feel like baking a honeybun cake for anyone at this point, at least not yet. I imagine that once the mystery of it all unfolds, and I am a bit more comfortable in my taking up residency in one of those chairs, my heart will relax, opening up again to love and to invest in the hearts of those who sit beside me and those who are given charge over me. It takes a few pages to get into the meat of a new chapter. I’ll not write this one off yet, nor am I afforded the luxury of skipping it. Instead, I’ll plow through it, one word at a time… one sentence after another, one page at a time, until I see that ending half-page come into focus, indicating to me that another segue stands on the horizon. By the time I reach this chapter’s end, I pray that, like my fondness for the chapter titled Dr. Habal, I’ll have a similar fondness for Dr. Bakri.
To get there… to arrive at fondness…I understand that it’s mostly up to me. To my deliberate investment on the front end and along the way. To actively seeking out opportunities to interject God’s kingdom witness into my new environment, be it something as small as a smile or something as big as a conversation. Acceptance of a new chapter in my personal journey goes a long way toward making it matter… toward having it make sense. It’s the same with all of us.
Many of you are standing on the threshold of unimaginable change:
New job.
Physical change of address.
Divorce.
Marriage;
Parenthood.
Death of a loved one.
Kids leaving home for the first time.
Caring for ailing parents.
Caring for an ailing spouse.
New ministry opportunity.
New church.
New sickness.
New relationship.
__________________.
A new chapter is about to commence and, perhaps, like me, you’re having a hard time seeing past all the words, punctuation, and paragraphs that fill the upcoming pages. You want it to make sense, want to love it and claim it, live it and name it. But you can’t… not yet.
But you will… very soon. And if you’re intentional about investing yourself into the mix on the front side of the chapter, then you can be certain that when the chapter finishes, you will have lived it like you meant it. You will have done the hard thing of being engaged with your life—every letter, word, sentence, and paragraph. I imagine that some of the pages will live pretty “hard” for us. We won’t always feel like honeybun cakes and hugs and smiles. With every chapter comes a twist or two, a turn—an unexpected “reality” in the middle of daily expectations. I’ve had an ample tasting of the unexpected in recent days. But I’ve also tasted ample portions of something else…
Tons of grace, peace, joy, laughter, love, acceptance, sacred understanding, and a rich intimacy with God, family, friend, and stranger alike. These have been the blessings of my cancer thus far. And while I might have chosen for them to come to me via another route, I’m not sure if an easier avenue would have granted me enough desire to be as deliberate with regards to my investing. Pain and suffering have a way of bringing sacred desire to the forefront of our intentions. Pain can cultivate Godly perspective, and while I don’t believe for a second that God has allowed me this pain out of some desire to punish me or to get me in line with his will, I do believe that he can use this pain to shape me in order to influence those who will cross my cancer path in the days to come.
My next chapter. It has begun. It will continue for a season, and for as long as the Lord allows the ink to write, I’ll make sure to keep you updated… a few pages at a time. May the chapter you’re about to finish and the one you’re about to begin be filled with heavenly perspective and perfect Peace, Jesus Christ.
What you do here matters. Keep doing it; you do it so well! As always…
Peace for the journey,
~elaine
Saying a prayer for peace in your journey Elaine. I didn't know you were passing through such trying times. So true, that the LORD is near in new ways. Continuing to pray for HIS blessings, john lee
All I know to say is "I love you!" You are such an inspiration! Keep the words coming. I believe God is going to use them for others in their own difficult chapters.
"And if you’re intentional about investing yourself into the mix on the front side of the chapter, then you can be certain that when the chapter finishes, you will have lived it like you meant it."
Amen, my friend. Praying, dearest.
I hardly know how to respond to so genuine a revelation of soul. It moves me, and once again you've brought a lump to my throat.
How dear and noble it is to share your journey in this fashion. It matters too; and I've no doubt someone coming alongside (me, for sure) will gain strength and momemtum to move into or through their own next chapter.
God love you, girl. I sure do!
Kathleen
Elaine – thank you. for being such a constant in our lives. a woman of faith. a woman of grace. a woman seeking God and His heart.
you bless me and i continue to pray for you my sweet, precious friend.
love you so!
Well dagnabbit…my first comment on here was lost in cyberspace. You'll just have to take my word for it…it was insightful, inspirational, encouraging and uplifting, all rolled together with a just touch of humor! Best.comment.ever. You would have been sooo impressed. 😉
On a serious note…This is a powerful post, Elaine. You always seem to write exactly what I need to read at exactly that moment. Amazing.
Praying for God's comfort and peace, and His strength and mercies for each new day…through every chapter of your life.
You have a wonderful gift with this blog ministry of yours, friend. To quote one of my absolute favorite people, ever:
"What you do here matters. Keep doing it; you do it so well!"
Call me this afternoon, if you're up to it. If not today, maybe sometime this weekend.
Miss you lots…love you even more.
Elaine, thank you…going to pray now…you will be upheld…love you and appreciate your ministry more than words can suffice..
Love, Sita
I LOVED THIS POST!!! I hate that you are going through this, but oh how I love your strength and courage. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Cancer is just plain YUCK. I beleive only by the grace of God, one can see the silver lining. Today my father-in-law is picking out tvs and drinking coffee with his buddies…it is a good day. Next Tuesday he has another treatment, with some not so good days ahead. He is showing so much strength of character and faith these days. Thank you for sharing your experience, for it helps me understand what he is going through just a little more.
Praying you through this chapter.
praying your journey continues with the Peace and comfort and testimony only He can provide. Thank you for sharing your journey…it is encouraging. Many prayers and love~
Elaine,
You amaze me with your peace, grace, and love in this start of a new chapter in your life. You are an inspiration in my life, and the life of others. I love you and miss you very much. We continue to pray for you and your family. May God truly bless you in your endeavors.
Elaine,
You amaze me with your peace, grace, and love in this start of a new chapter in your life. You are an inspiration in my life, and the life of others. I love you and miss you very much. We continue to pray for you and your family. May God truly bless you in your endeavors.
wifeforthejourney:
You continue to share your heart with even measures of faith, emotion and truth. Our day together on Thursday was certainly a day for emotional extremes, but for me the best part of the day was how it started and ended with you.
The doctors and nurses we will meet along the way will be part of this journey, and I'm glad for their company. They don't know it yet but they will come to realize, as I do, the blessing of having a share in your life. Being with you is a gracious plenty, and I can't wait to get home. Nobody else is like you.
Love always,
Billy
God has His plan and purpose…keep plowing and keep intersecting. You have words of His grace and healing to share with those who don't know.
I don't think I have ever read anyone that shared their soul so beautifully…
I Pray Peace for your JOURNEY…..
Teresa
Elaine,
I don't even know what a honeybun cake is but it sounds delicious! Your "heart intersection" with the doctor and his staff shined the light of Jesus so brightly. You have no idea the seeds of faith you planted there.
I'm not sure anyone goes into chemo armed with baked goods so don't fret. As you begin this next chapter I pray for God's continued grace and blessing on you and that your faith continues to go before you and remain long after you've left (which I'm sure can't be said about the honeybun cake!)
I know this is a tough road to travel, but you are covered in prayers (including mine).
Thanks for sharing your heart. Your words are increasingly powerful and poignant.
Love to you,
Kelli
Dear Elaine, I don't know whether you've always been so gifted with writing but I truly feel your words are anointed and I see God's hand all over you. What an inspiration you are to so many. We should all try to cultivate that attitude that you so model. I know that each person you come in contact with will be blessed.
Continuing to uplift you for this new chapter.
Hugs, Noreen
If I knew what a "honeybun cake" was, I'd make it and send it to yuou along with hugs and smiles! Courage, my friend, as you begin your new chapter! I have no doubt you will be writing it well.
And yes, several months ago I was at Donna's for her HUSBAND'S birthday.
Elaine:
You do leave me at a loss for words, and like Kathleen, with a lump in my throat. All I can say is what you've already said here, which Beth E. has already quoted, but I too, give your words back to you tonight…
"What you do here matters. Keep doing it; you do it so well!"…
I am with you and praying for you daily, as are so many many others.
Love you!
Dearest Elaine,
You continue to touch so many lives, you'll just never know!
Thanks for this incredible post.
You make me think, ponder, and always GIVE THANKS…
You bring glory to the Lord in every thing you do and say.
I can only imagine how much those people loved you.
I know you have many, many more divine appointments awaiting you.
I never dreamed I would walk down the road of childhood cancer.
We met the most wonderful children and families, we became a true family at St. Jude.
Praying you through my sweet sister♥
PS So blessed you enjoyed that video. That made my day!!!
You are an amazing woman, you know that? I am missing hearing that twang–but when I read your words it springs forth. Praying for this new chapter.
I can't tell you how much these words blessed me tonight. You truly inspire me to keep going on my journey as well. What truth you spoke of. I've had soo many life changes things recently…my own breast cancer journey, the move we made after 25 years in the same house, my arthritis reaching such proportions that I need to do the knee replacement surgeries soon or be reduced to not moving around much at all, and now my 78 year old mother has had a stroke and is needing so much assitance. Life has just been downright difficult recently. But I know in my soul He WILL see me through. Walk with me through each and every day. How I appreciate the way He is using you to inspire me and no doubt many others. I pray for His strength and His courage as you go through this next chapter in your life. Blessings to you, Debbie
Elaine,
Your post brings back many memories of going through this process with my Daddy. It is a tough journey. Please know that I continue to pray for you.
Leah
Your chapters in your life are ministering to me today. Nothing in our lives are wasted and you are going to make this cancer mean something more than cancer!! I know it! Blessings to you for letting us see Jesus as you go through this.
As always, your post is once again so profound…I read with such anticipation…at how you allow us to participate in your journey, of allowing us a small peak of what you are actually going through….I've never been on the journey you're on right now, yet in other ways, we do have our own journey…..those issues that arise that we might be thrown into, that we would have preferred not to be dealing with…but it happens. Just a different kind of journey, or "chapter" in our lives.
You are truly a blessing and inspire me/us so!
Thank you, Elaine! I will continue to pray for you, knowing that God is able!
~Beth
This post is so right on track with where I am today Elaine – new chapters and change. I want to do "the hard thing of being engaged with" my life. Good words that speak to my heart today.
With prayers and thanksgiving to the LORD for you.
We connected through your blog – my hubs is the Asbury graduate.
I have read all of your last posts since my last reading – and we are praying for you Elaine. What a sweet spirit of testimony to the LORD through your words and steps of faith.
God bless you and yours.
—Gina Weeks
I read every word of your heart Elaine. I smiled, cried, thought and PRAYED. Stay your course…let GOD write the chapters. Trust Him as I know you are.
I'm praying for you in more ways than my mind/heart is able to express to you but I'm PRAYING…
I love you.
Elaine, thank you for sharing your heart here. What a help and visual these words are for me… to think of the differences between the Dr. Habal and the Dr. Bakri. And to know that first impressions may not be as important as lasting impressions.
I love you for sharing yourself.
And I am praying for you.
Elaine,
I hardly know what to say. Keep on keeping on my friend. You are such an inspiration to others. You have such strength and determination. I love that about you. You have faith in our father to make it all better whatever that may be. Love you my sister and praying always.
Your blog was not called Peace for the Journey by accident. You were created by God to be His agent of peace in these troubled waters that we find ourselves sailing on. You have lived up to your calling, though I know that there is so much inside your heart that you have not verbalized or put into words.
Yet, I must say this much to you – I love God more for what I have seen in you in this chapter of your life. You don't know how much I needed to read your story. Over the past year that I have followed your blog, you have been a channel of peace and hope to me.
So let me also express how much I have come to love you, despite the fact that we have never met face to face. But I am sure you will agree with me, I feel so much closer to some of my blog friends than my face to face friends. There is a closeness and intimacy we enjoy with certain blog friends.
I am praying for you dear Elaine. Thank you…and thank Preacher Billy.
Love
Lidj
May your writing be healing to you as it is to me as I read your comforting words. YOU ARE A BLESSING!
oh what a blessing to have "met" you today. That video is awesome, and your writing is beautiful. We are sisters in the Lord and sisters in way that only the sharing of cancer can bring about. You are inspirational and I am very eager to read more about your journey. Thank you for taking the time to read mine…
I canNOT stop the tears. I hung on every word of this post. I am praying with you on this journey, my dear sister. Lord, strengthen my friend according to Your word. Let her sense You even in the most sterile and stale environments. Love on my sister, giving her warmth, encouragement and light.
"A new chapter is about to commence and, perhaps, like me, you’re having a hard time seeing past all the words, punctuation, and paragraphs that fill the upcoming pages. You want it to make sense, want to love it and claim it, live it and name it. But you can’t… not yet."
Struggling to embrace some new chapters in my life, but trusting the Author writing the story.
Oh Elaine, how your writing always breathes something new in my heart…thank you.
Hugs,
Joy
[…] today, you’re in the middle of one of those chapters. I don’t know how it’s reading to you and to those around you. I pray it’s filled with faith, […]