Today, I write to you from a point of sheer determination and will, not from my feelings. If I were operating from my feelings, I’d leave the pen where it resides and forget about yesterday’s prompting in my spirit. Yesterday it would have been easier to write my faith; today a bit more strained. Why? Because today I am weak in body, and a compromised immune system doesn’t always cooperate with faith’s expression.
No matter. I keep to it, because my name is Faith Elaine, and faith doesn’t shrink back in the face of difficulty. Faith forges onward. Faith presses through. Faith lives even when faith is challenged. Faith speaks even when the taunts of the enemy seek to keep her silent. Thus, a word or two from my heart this morning—a thought, really, that has been marinating in my soul over these past couple of months since I first received my diagnosis on August 23rd.
Cancer gives back.
An odd thought really, maybe even an offensive one to some, especially for those of you who are currently carrying a tremendous grief because of the price that cancer has exacted on your hearts. If that is you, then I want you to know that I write this with tenderness and from my own personal perspective—my own way of choosing to live with my diagnosis, come what may.
Cancer is an ugly beast; so is any disease that has “entered” into our flesh in order to eat away at what is good in hopes of replacing it with everything bad. Cancer is a formidable foe, one that must be taken seriously and contended with ferociously. Believe me when I tell you that I have my boots strapped on and my weapons at the ready for the next battle that looms on the horizon. That being said, I’ve also made a choice to embrace the fullness of that battle. To receive its merits, along with its costs.
Every battle has its merits, for with the struggle comes further clarity about who we are, what we’re made of; Whose we are, what He’s made of. When called to battle, we are called to more than weaponry and strategy. We are called to completion—a though and through kind of process that allows us our sacred shaping and molding at every point along the way. Knowing this, and in the spirit of James 1:2-4, I made a deliberate decision on that first day of hearing my diagnosis:
I will look for the blessings of my cancer. Thus far, what cancer has given back to me has far exceeded what it has taken from me. What is has taken from me is a pound or two from my flesh… literally.
So what.
From the moment I made entry into this world, I began my exit therein. My life is a mere vapor, and I’m currently living on borrowed time—God’s time. So are you. This doesn’t mean we get wrapped up in the morbidity of it all; it simply means that we concede our life journeys to the time table of the One who knit us together in our mothers’ wombs, who steps the road with us along the way and as we go, and who will walk us home in due time.
Our steps belong to our Father, and if my cancer is going to be of any benefit to me on this odyssey of faith that I’m traveling, then I must be willing to receive its merits as well as its detractors. I will not stay hung up in the pain. Instead, I make a deliberate choice to be suspended in the promise of what it can do for me instead of what it longs to take from me.
One of the richest ways my cancer has given back to me is being the recipient of sacred intercession—the earnest and fervent prayers of the saints. Unless you’ve stood on the receiving end of such a gift, it’s hard to explain. I will tell you this… the daily peace I know and feel in my heart has a direct connection to the prayers that are being offered on my behalf. They have been genuine, heartfelt, spoken, and heard by God. And while I don’t know all of the stories surrounding those prayer moments, I do know the details of one. My father tells it best, so I leave you with his remembrance of a recent visit to small church in Estonia:
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Over the past fifteen years, Jane and I have made eight visits to Estonia. Those incredible people have always made me feel ‘at home’ among them. In many ways, our faith-journey has intertwined itself with those wonderful people in spiritually formative ways. It happened again this past Monday.
One of my former students there, Viktor Batov, pastor at Aseri, invited us to worship with his congregation on Monday, at 2 p.m. It was the only time we could ‘work it in’ the schedule. It was cold and rainy, but the small church was about half-filled. When we arrived we could hear them singing. And I knew I was home.
There were twelve worshipers there! Twelve disciples, you might say. When I was introduced, I brought greetings to them, and then asked Jane if she would like to speak. She looked at those elderly Russian ladies and remembered how our daughter, Elaine, had mentioned her ministry with the ‘ancients’ (the older women at her church). Jane saw another congregation of ancients, and simply asked them to pray for our daughter, Elaine, who had been diagnosed with breast cancer.
She no sooner mentioned that, when the pastor asked, “Chuck, your daughter?” I nodded and he immediately began to weep. He stood up and said, “Let us pray right now.” There was no altar to kneel at, so Viktor and I knelt, prostrating ourselves on the floor, and the praying commenced, with everybody praying aloud in Russian. We could not understand a word, but we understood full-well what was happening! Upper Rooms are like that.
These ‘twelve disciples’ felt our pain, knowing that we were four thousand miles away from the one we love so much! Their hearts were ‘breaking’ on our behalf, as they carried our daughter to God’s healing mercy and grace. As I lay there on the floor, I don’t recall the words of my prayer. I was weeping, trying to pray, but all that I could muster was, “God, you are in charge. Only you can fix this.” And a peace that ‘passes all understanding’ came and confirmed that reality in my heart. God is in charge!
When the service ended, one of the ‘disciples’ came and gave Jane a slip of paper, torn out of her prayer journal, simply stating September 20 (the day of our service)…Thursdays at 2:30 (the time and day of week) she would be praying for Elaine. That nameless Russian believer was added to a host of names interceding for our daughter. It was like hearing, “We are all in this together, separated by thousands of miles, language, and culture; but all getting together at prayer time!” I’m so glad I’m a part of the family of God! {by Chuck Killian, my father}
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Thank you, friends, for your continuing prayers. Tomorrow, I will have my port placement, and chemo will begin on Tuesday. Accordingly, I’m not sure how often I will be here to visit with you. My precious friend, Juanita, will be arriving just in time to walk me through the aftermath of my first round of treatment. I count it a joy to have friends both near and far who are willing to step this path with me. Take good care of your hearts in this season; keep praying for one another, and if I can be an intercessor for you, please let me know. As always…
Peace for the journey,
dear elaine,
i am so sorry to hear of your great
battle but will lift you up daily to
the One who loves you more than
you can know.
this is such a great outlook you have.
blessings,
lea
As an intercessor – I am so blessed by this sharing. Yeah God! This also impresses upon me the necessity to stop – kneel – and pray with whomever or for whomever as the need arises. Don't wait for our prayer closets. Some prayers are meant to be in corporate unison – for an Almighty Reason! Blessed be the name of our God – He is indeed in charge.
Dear Elaine, I am so blessed by your faith sharing. Than kyou for making the effort to pick up that pen and scribe these words of faith. physical strength or not – the LORD's strength is indeed made perfect in your weakness.
You are God's poster child in this illness – a blessed child of God – Princess Warrior of the MOST HIGH GOD! You continue to shine for Him – even in your present battle.
I am praying at my altar – for you…it is a most precious honor to submit my heart language to the KING in your behalf.
Hugs,
Patrina <")>><
Oh Elanie how this touched my heart and moved me to tears as I read your daddy's words. I love that no matter where we are are spirits and prayers can unite together to go the mighty throne room. I soo understand what you are saying about looking for the "good" in the cancer. I too have found the blessings. And that could ONLY come from Him. I will pray tomorrow as you receive your port, and for your strength as you receive your first round of chemo.
Much love coming your way. HUGS, Debbie
Your cancer journey will, among all the other things, be one of grace, peace and strength. God bless you, Elaine, as you walk steadfastly forward.
God is Jehovah Rophe, the God who heals.
I'll continue to intercede.
I know the Lord will bless Juanita as she walks with you in PERSON in the aftermath of your first treatment. And I will walk with you from NE Indiana, praying with the host of disciples all over the world.
This feels like holy ground to me, Faith Elaine. I have nothing to offer after these words of your father and the prayers of precious unknown saints. For myself, I am bankrupt of words except to say that the Juanitas in my life made it bearable and sometimes even an occasion to laugh and share joy. I wish I could be there to do that for you but must content myself to other assignments. Nevertheless, I hold you close.
With all my heart,
xoxo
Judith
I am keeping you in my heart as you walk this path. Praying!
The connections we have through the body are truly amazing. I will be praying for your strength as you start chemo. What a word to choose faith over feelings! Keep to it Elaine. The Lord your God is with you! love, B
What a wonderful little scrap of paper you have there with those precious words from around the world! Sadly, I don't think we Americans take prayer as seriously as we should, and we fail to see it's power as well. Glad to be a part of the family of God!
Elaine:
I now, at the present time, have 5 friends who are in the midst of breast cancer [I almost wrote beast cancer – I guess it fits] – but one of those women
[an elder's wife] said to me, "Before I got cancer I used to tell people, 'save your prayers for other people', but now I humbly ask them to pray for me because I feel the power of prayer like I've never known."
Sounds like you have a lot in common! There is nothing like prayer to draw people close to each other and closer yet to Almighty God!
Praying for you with [[hugs]],
Stephanie
may our prayers gently cover you as you heal
Elaine:
My prayers are continuing along with all of these above and so many others as well.
What a beautiful sharing of the experience in Estonia by your dad. I think you must feel about that little piece of paper from the dear lady much as I do about the tiny papers given to my aunt in concentration camp. THESE are true riches.
Sending an extra big hug tonight and special prayers will surround you tomorrow.
Love you!
Sonja
Thank you for sharing the beautiful, beautiful writing from your father. What an encouragement to know that new and old friends all over the world are praying for you…for YOU, Elaine! I am praying for you…for God's strength, peace and healing. You are an inspiration. And more than you even admitted to, your cancer is giving more than it is taking. For through what you are going through, hearts are being reached for Jesus! Your example of faith is awesome. Blessings to you, Elaine! You are on my mind and in my heart.
Living for Him, Joan
Oh Elaine….Please know that I continue to lift you and your family before the Throne of Grace as you travel this journey. The prayers of those whose lives you have touched so mightily will cover and undergird you moment by moment and day by day each step of the way. I'm praying that you will know and experience Him and His Healing touch in such mighty ways and that you are engulfed in the depths of His Peace like never before.
HE IS FAITHFUL!!
Much Love…
Jackie
praying for you…to be strong…to feel His gentle presence…to know He's walking every step with you….
Elaine, I have placed your blog link in a special spot on my sidebar – Keeping You Close To My Heart… which means I am interceding for you and doing exactly that – I'm keeping you close to my heart as I lift you up to God's heart.
Love
Lidj
I hear the voice of a conqueror here; loud and clear!
" … what cancer has given back to me has far exceeded what it has taken from me …"
You are always near my thoughts, my heart, and my prayers.
Kathleen
Please know I am lifting you up in my daily prayers dear one, blessings to you.
Elaine,
I want to give this post to everyone I know with cancer…so beautifully spoken.
I was so touched to read your Father's account of those dear saints in Estonia. What a beautiful gift they've given you.
Though my struggles pale in the face of cancer, I too have experienced the undeniable peace that comes as a direct result of friends interceding, and it is unmistakable.
You are ever-close in my thoughts and prayers. Tomorrow, I'll be praying specifically that the port placement goes smoothly.
Love,
Tracy
Elaine… what a precious telling of the story of the Estonia saints. And just as your father lay there on the floor with the Estonian pastor interceding for you… it is wonderful to know and be reminded that Jesus is ever interceding for us to the Father! What wonderful truth to know! I will be praying tomorrow for the port placement procedure to go well. Thank you for writing and sharing your journey with me!
You are a beautiful writer and a beautiful person, inside and out. What faithful and caring saints in Estonia and that had to bless your father too. God hasn't missed any of this…one time I did a word study on "slumber" as in Psalm 121:4 "He neither slumbers nor sleeps…" to see what the difference is: Our God never even nods off! Even on the days Elaine when you are too weary to even think or pray, He is always on guard, keeping you. You are in my prayers as well. I can just visualize this band of prayer warriors all over the world holding spiritual hands and encircling you with our prayers and love. I too have known what it is like to "know" you are being carried by those prayers. God is so amazing…when our resources are gone, His have only just begun. Romans 11:33 "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" Rest in Him…I know you are.
Elaine – God is so faithful. so true. So loving.
i love this story told by your precious dad! how blessed you are to still have your daddy with you and interceding on your behalf. so many are praying for you and i just can't wait to see how God is going to use this for His glory!
Praise God the victory is His!
Love you so and am continuing to lift you up and give praise to the King for your healing!
Elaine
somehow I missed the news.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
May God give you peace, strength, hope and grace
for the days ahead.
Love
kaylea
one step at a time…with Christ always forward.
Praying for you tonight my sweet friend.
Take your time getting back to us in the blog world…BUT, write your heart's journey in your journals. This time will not be wasted. xoxo
I have felt the prayers of people truly carry me through some very difficult days. So thankful for the peace you are feeling, Elaine, as so many of us lift you before the Father.
Blessings this weekend!
Elaine,
Standing in the gap for you and praying you through your chemo. As you stand before the chemo door….stand strong in the Lord….He has won the battle. He is victorious. He will fight the battle.
I read yesterday from Spurgeon…"soldiers can only be made in battle….and are not developed in times of peace."
How true it is.
Your words are beautiful and your faith even more. May God continue to pour out His abundant grace and peace upon you for this journey.
As your sister in Christ and fellow sojourner on this breast cancer road….my hand is tightly grasped in yours and my heart connected through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Onward we go….in the strength of the Lord.
Much love in Christ,
Stacy
Where two are more are gathered, He is in the midst and He hears our prayers! Can you imagine the sheer number of prayers God is hearing on your behalf…prayers from all over the world?! You are right…God IS in control.
I am blessed, humbled, and inspired by your journey, Faith Elaine. Your dad's remembrance of his trip to Estonia blessed me, too. What precious people he visited that day…the Estonian Ancients!
Rest in God's arms, friend. He is with you.
Love you…
Elaine,
As I read I got goose bumps all over, with a cold chill… I may not have cancer, but I know this from my own experiences in life. I love your father's letter. It brought tears of joy to my heart as I read it. It's an honor to be in the family of GOD. And I count it an honor to have you as a sister in Christ.
Thank YOU Father God for using Elaine to reach out to all of us. I pray that You continue to use her in this way. I pray that my life can be an example and influence in Your favor. In Jesus' name, amen.
Mercy! I'm in tears once again! I love how the Lord was ready to hear the prayers for you thousands of miles away in the hearts of the Estonian Ancients–as Beth put it! The words of your Daddy just melted my heart and showed me once again how powerful our awesome God is! Intercessory prayer is simply amazing! I love you! Prayed for you this morning on my run!
Tons of hugs!
Susan
Elaine~ I am praying for you. So thankful you have such a support system. It makes all the difference!
I've been where you are and I whole heartedly agree there are blessings. What is taken away in body is built up in the revelation of humanity at its best. Helping, praying, loving.
You are thought of and prayed for often my sweet sister.
~Blessings~
Marita
Elaine, your heart beats so strong for God and for others! I am constantly amazed at how God is giving you strength through all this!
Love you much!
Marilyn…in Mississippi
Elaine, I know the feeling of first hearing the word cancer. But I also know the peace that can come only from our Savior. He will be with you every step of the way and give you peace day by day. Just know that I have put your name down and will be praying for you, dear Sister.
Elaine,
Praying all went well with the port and you are fever free.
Knowing that God is strengthening you daily for this journey.
Blessings,
Cindy
Oh, how I truly love the body of Christ. Prayers. Incense… sweet incense to our Father.
I have kept every correspondence when I suffered through my deep darkest night of the soul (depression).
1.) to remember those who love me
2.) to remember that my sickness really was that bad and
3.) to remember that my God healed me and brought me back from the dead.
Precious reminders. That tell a story that I can't.
You are in my prayers.
Elaine, what a precious daddy you have. How touching to have these wonderful believers in Estonia praying for you. It makes no difference how far away from you they are; they care about you and lift your name to the throne of grace. And best of all; He hears!
As I glanced through the names of the bloggers who left comments, I was touched that several of them have also been dealing with cancer. I think of the 2 Corinthians 1 verse about providing the comfort to others that we received. Well I have to say that they are certainly doing that.
Elaine you are loved by many. I am continuing to pray for you. Be brave and rest in His loving arms.
Love you,
Debbie
And yet another brilliant ray of light on a rainy day. To have intercession going up to heaven from Estonia! Voices are rising across the world for you. What a blessing to read this…
Elaine, this blessed my heart deeply. You are in my heart and prayers my friend. I love you!
Keep pressing forward in Jesus Name!
Continued prayers, friend.
Hope you have a beautiful week.
wifeforthejourney:
I'm so glad you decided to share this story with your readers! I find myself still moved by the passion of a people I do do know and who do not know us – yet they know your parents and they know Jesus. May we all be as passionate about the needs of the Body of Christ.
Even as you continue in your battle with breast cancer, it has been (and remains) such a blessing to see that we are not in this fight alone.
To God Be the Glory!
Love,
~ Billy
have so had you in our prayers as you've begun your chemo…BeStill&Know and I were having coffee last Thursday night when your face and situation came to mind…breathing in His Presence and Strength is one of those things He reminds me to do in helping wash away the anxiety that attempts to take over when I think of where you are now. Yet WE CAN do all things in CHRIST who strengthens us…
sending a smile to you and a hug, too!
How beautiful God's Kingdom!
All I can say is wow…to God be all the glory…the power of the Holy Spirit is alive and the testimony that you allow your pain to become is so humbling to me. Wow. Wow. wow.
I am joining in prayer for you…may His love and peace be sweet in your body, mind and spirit as you go through this time of suffering…God bless you, Elaine!!!
Elaine, I am praying for you today. He gives strength unknown, and He is with you today. Very close to you and in you. Holding you by your right hand and saying, "Do not fear. I am with you. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior." He loves you so much.
Love in HIM,
katiegfromtennessee
FAITH Elaine…..just stopping by to tell you that you're in my thoughts and prayers this morning!
He is Faithful!!
Love and Hugs…
Jackie