Sometimes a heart gets so filled to overflow, it’s hard to know what to do with it all. I’ve had that problem all afternoon; not a bad problem to have. Better to be filled than be depleted.
Let me explain.
I began my morning at the cancer center, not for treatment but for a massage. In addition, I talked to my doctor about the persistent tingling in my fingers, especially my right thumb which has now developed blood blisters. As I’ve mentioned before, chemotherapy is not without side-effects. After my consultation, I was on my way out of the center when I noticed her—a sister cancer patient I’ve sat next to on a few occasions. I hadn’t seen her in a while. Chemotherapy and radiation treatments have taken their toll on this precious woman. The physical effects on her fragile frame took me by surprise. I had to stifle my shock.
Alongside her sat her husband. The effects of his wife’s chemo was also evident in his stoutly frame. Tears welled up in his eyes as I knelt next to his wife with words of comfort. He tried not to display his pain, but something released in him in those few moments, and I was undone with the suffering. It was palpable. Tenderly, I expressed to him my acknowledgment for the hard work he was doing alongside his wife and thanked him for his perseverance. I looked them both squarely in the eyes and said, “You can do this; by God’s grace you can do this.” I hugged them both, wished them a “Merry Christmas” and made my way out to my van.
I choked on my tears while driving home. Cancer has multiple victims; not just the ones who are carrying it in their flesh. Caregivers suffer as well, sometimes at a deeper, less communicable level. Their outlets for pain are limited, but it is, nonetheless, very real and tender and true. Sometimes they deserve a closer look from those who sit on the outside of the inner, cancer circle. Sometimes they need our knees, our hugs, our prayers, our compassion… every bit as much as the patient does. They need to know that they are not alone as they walk this road of companionship with their loved one.
I know this one, because I’ve witnessed the need in my own companion… my husband for the journey. Some of you know him as Preacher Billy. Some of you call him friend. Some of you simply realize that there has to be a better half to my household, and in this season, I’m willing to concede the honor to him! I don’t know what I did to deserve such a man like mine, but I believe it has everything to do with grace and God and his Son’s death to self so that I might fully participate in the divine nature. Tonight, I stand amazed at the beauty of such a gift; not just for me but for all of us who know the unmerited, unconditional love of another.
Maybe not through a spouse, but through a child. A friend. A parent. A relative. A neighbor. A co-worker. Regardless of their connection to you, you have known their love in lavish measure as they have cared for you, some days in spite of you. You’ve never had to ask for their love. It simply arrived on time, in time, and filled with enough time to service your needs.
On paper, such love doesn’t compute. Selfless loving makes little sense to a world’s mentality that says “What’s in it for me?” Never once does unconditional love focus on self; instead, this kind of love puts others ahead of self, content to bring up the rear with little fanfare or notice. Caregivers often fall into this role, believing that their come-alongside participation was a role they were destined to play, without condition.
I imagine all of us could think of someone who fits this role in our own lives. If not for us, then for someone we love. This is a good time of year to remember them; to stop in our tracks long enough to kneel down before them and ask a few questions. Wipe a few tears. Offer some encouragement. Acknowledge some of the pain. It’s such a seemingly little thing to do—pausing to notice suffering. But for the one on the receiving end of your concern, it means a great deal. In many ways, your acknowledgment validates their courageous decision to participate in a loved one’s pain.
I don’t know what my kneeling accomplished today; it does, indeed, seem like a small thing in the grand scheme of my friend’s pain. But I know what it means to me to have my suffering acknowledged. And I’ve watched my husband benefit from the same consideration. It means everything to us, and I don’t want to go through the rest of my days skirting around the issue of human pain. I want to be invested accordingly, as the Lord determines in the days to come.
I want to be a kneeler. I want holes in my jeans and dirt on my knees because of my willingness to bend and to bow and to say, “You can do this; by God’s grace you can do this.” Sometimes it’s the best gift we can give to one another.
Our knees, followed by God’s word of grace.
Would you bow on behalf of another today? Would you be willing to notice the pain of those who are suffering in the flesh and those caregivers who most closely suffer with them? Perhaps God is prompting your heart in this very moment to move into action. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Do it now, and tell them, even as you remind yourself…
“You can do this; by God’s grace you can do this.”
You can do this, my friends, and because of God’s grace to you, the suffering souls of this world have now become your charge and keep. They need your love. Kneel now; kneel often. Kneel low, and kneel always in the strong and mighty name of our Lord Jesus Christ. You give to the King when you kneel to his grace. As always…
Peace for the journey,
~elaine
oh, elaine, no words. praying on my knees tonight on your and Billy's behalf.
Elaine,
As we walked through my Daddy's cancer battle in 2003 and 2004, a wise friend told us that it is much more difficult to be the family member than the patient. (She had been both–a cancer survivor and a caregiver). The patient knows what they are feeling. The family member does not know what the cancer patient is feeling–if they hurt, if they are depressed, etc. There are a lot of unknowns for the family and that makes it so hard.
Bless you for encouraging that couple.
Praying daily for you and your family.
Leah
Bless you Elaine… ohhh, no words
(pause for prayer)
"kneeling" (wow)(simple but so deep and profound your words and raw emotions made so real), tears, prayers… for you and Billy and your family, for so many others in similar places of pain, grief and suffering of knowns and unknowns… darkness given to the Light of the Word made flesh to touch and reach a world that's broken, hurting, sick and in need of a Savior or just a kind word of compassion like Jesus… You are Jesus and a shining light! Lifting you and yours… thank you for making others aware and reaching out even while you endure… in awe…
"Glory to God in the highest…"
Peace,
Peggy
This was a most beautiful post Elaine. I haven't had a lot of time to spend in blogland lately but you have been on my mind and in my prayers regardless. Seriously.
This is no real comparison with the suffering that goes with dealing with cancer, but my mom, who is legally blind, depends on several friends to get her to church and the store and the doctor. My sisters and I baked a bunch of Christmas cookies and just tonight we made up pretty trays and wrote personal notes and we're in the process of hand delivering them to these precious servants. It's not the same as the suffering a caregiver does but we wanted to acknowledge (kneel) to them that their selfless giving is not unnoticed.
When you posted your daughter's picture recently, my heart went out to her too. There are so many dynamics involved throughout the family, aren't there? I prayed for her tender heart as I'm sure she has thoughts she is unable to express as she too watches you suffer.
May the peace of the Lord be always with you, and yours.
I just don't know what to say, my dear friend, except "thank you." Praying for your Billy, and for you.
Sweet friend, I believe that heaven sees the wear on your knees just as assuredly as they see His name written on you. Your servant heart through this entire journey (thus far!) has humbled me and brought me to my knees on many occasions.
Bless you for bringing comfort to a sister and her man. Oh, I pray so much for you, my friend!
Love you, lady.
I walked alongside my sister through her cancer journey. I can almost feel the pain as if it wasn't 9 years ago, but just yesterday. In my pain God gave me the strength to be strong for my sister. I am thankful that I had kneelers kneeling for not just my sister, but for me and the rest of the family.
You my dear friend are a treasure. You may not know what your kneeling accomplished today in the hearts of your fellow cancer sojourner and her devoted husband… what I see accomplished is the love of Christ shining brightly through you! In your suffering you are able to offer comfort, love and a prayer. I think I love you friend more and more each time I read your words. My prayers continue for you EVERYDAY…
You have really touched my heart today with this Elaine. so poignant. so powerful….
thank you for your faith and your grace in the face of all you are going through. You are amazing. And with GOd's grace – you can do it!!
Oh Elaine – what you said about being willing to notice the pain of those who are suffering…. and what could I do right now that God is prompting me to.
I emailed a friend because it was too late to call, asking him to help a dear friend of ours who lost her husband this summer, and has no working snow blower, and my hubby and I can't fix it or get ours over there to dig her out…
Praying he can help, so that she can get out, to and from where she needs to… especially this first hard Christmas without her man. (She lost him to colon cancer this summer)
Thank you for this post, and what a tender reminder it is to all of us.
I will be taking the time to pause – this week, this season, this year to stop and kneel for someone else.
Love you and will keep on praying for you too!
Heather
I have watched my precious 86 year old step father love my mom all through their 26 years of marriage. What a wonderful thing to behold. But since her stroke I have watched him care for her in ways that have brought about his own exhuastion, and yet he has done so willingly and without complaint. How I treasure him for this. My own husband walked with me through my last two surgeries and cares for me and loves me in ways I KNOW I don't deserve. What a blessing this has been to me and one in which I will forever be grateful. I join you in praying for those caregivers who really are the hands and feet of God.
Praying always, Debbie
While I can not speak of being a caregiver to a cancer patient, those last few months of her life….how hard it was..how difficult, more so than I ever anticipated!
But to think someone might have been kneeling for me during those months, is rather humbling, to say the least…I knew that my church family was lifting me up in prayer, because it truly was a hard journey we all were on.
Thank you for reminding us that there are always more that are hurting than just the patient themselves…
~Beth
Very powerful Elaine. Thank you.
Elaine,
I have a precious friend that is walking through Stage 4 Brain and Lung cancer right now with her Dad She and her family just found out two days ago. I've been and will continue…to bend my knee on their behalf.
I loved this from your writing:
You’ve never had to ask for their love. It simply arrived on time, in time, and filled with enough time to service your needs.
I can attest to that, sweet Elaine, I stand in awe of that kind of love that is given and shown to me.
I bend my knee today, on your behalf as well. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
With love,
Yolanda
Great works are done on our knees. It is about others. I know your words continue to speak to this couple. May God continue to heal and comfort you Elaine. I know you are surrounded by love.Merry Christmas. You can do this and overcome. love , B
Thank you Elaine, for yet another beautiful post. My Wife and I have taken care of two long-term cancer patients at home, as well as our infant son during his time of trials and you're right, support of those around you make all the difference. Simple gestures of love and concern as you made are absolutely vital for caregivers to maintain the strength to take on that weight. May we all be "kneelers" to those who carry that weight, and through God's Grace we're all strengthened because of it.
May you and your family have a truly Blessed and Peaceful Christmas!
Beautiful! Your words always touch me and I always leave here blessed.
Merry Christmas,
Tammy
Your words and your actions speak loudly to my heart, sweet friend. The commments from other bloggers tug on my heartstrings too. You and Billy and the family are in our prayers each day.
On my knees…
Love you,
Susan
Your sweet Billy is one in a million! I know many who are caregivers to their loved ones, and I have to agree with Leah's statement. As difficult as it is for the patient, it is even more so for the caregiver.
Love to you, Billy, and family…
Willing to bow? It's a great question on any occasion, on many levels. It's only a humble heart that can ask it, and an even humbler one to achieve it.
May we all bow, for it is then we are most like children.
I thank God for your Billy, and for the many like him who come alongside to be Jesus with flesh.
Richest blessings,
Kathleen
we bow down, and lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus, the glory of His mercy and love, at the feet of Jesus…and we cry, "Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy, Is the Lamb."
May you and Billy experience one of your best Christmases ever…praying your hands feel better soon. Merry Christmas
You're right, Elaine. There is so much comfort given when acknowledging another's pain. Bless you for entering into someone else's while you've got your share to handle right now. I pray that I'll always be ready to do the same.
Much love and blessings to you as we celebrate our Savior's birth!
Elaine,
May we always be willing to bend a knee for those who are hurting around us. My heart goes out to you! God bless you in your journey!
Teresa
Your words brought tears, and leave me with no words, except to say we're praying for you and your family.
Wishing you God's blessings this Christmas season.
Dear Elaine,
Your journey through cancer is not just for the refining of you, it is also for Billy, your children, and many others who are sharing this journey with you , walking with you, and feeling with you…weeping, waiting, believing, hoping…
And I for one must admit that this post has also left me undone. If you did not have cancer, I don't think these words could have been written. You had to reach a certain depth brought about by such a deep personal pain as cancer to be able to pen these lines.
And I know there is more to come. As you become a willing vessel for His glory, you become more and more like a bottomless well where we your fellow travelers can draw water for our own personal journey.
This Christmas morning, a thousand miles away from where you live, I am reading your words and tears are falling from my eyes. I have been proud and self-righteous these past months, and this morning I hear and heed the words of my Redeemer through you:
"Kneel now; kneel often. Kneel low, and kneel always in the strong and mighty name of our Lord Jesus Christ. You give to the King when you kneel to his grace."
Out of your pain, grace flows to us.
Thank you dear Faith Elaine. Wishing you a beautiful Christmas.
Keeping you close,
Lidj
Such truth Elaine, such truth!! And then one day…the caregiving has ended and I must forge a new path…I cannot comprehend what to do now!
Oh Elaine, caregivers are the forgotten victims of illness. So true. In the same way I recall bringing home my first child from the hospital and thinking, "Wow, this is how much my mother loved me?" The same realization occurred when my Mother was dying from cancer. I remember thinking, "There are sick people in homes everywhere, but we don't see them. There are caregivers who need our help, but we don't hear them."
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and thanks again for bringing me to a prayerful place.
A difficult and emotional post to read, but so real. Prayers for you and all who endure the experience of cancer, including spouses and other caregivers. Thank God for his love as seen through others. Praise God for Grace and Mercy!