This morning, I found myself wishing that I was anywhere else but there… in that sterile environment, awaiting my turn at the scan machine. The milky cocktail I was given to drink (at least a quart by my estimation) messed with my stomach, more so with my mind. The “IV”? Just another reminder to me that pricks and pokes and prods will be the order of the day for the season to come.And it was cold. And I was shivering… even through the two layers of warm blankets kindly extended to me by the radiologist.
Tears found their way down my cheeks on several occasions, and when I went into the round doughnut to play “dead” for at least forty minutes, my arms were strapped to my side. I had to remind my radiologist of my recent double-mastectomy that currently limits my range of motion. Holding my arms in the normal posture (over my head) was out of the question, thus the large velcro binding that fastened them to my side. And while I know in my head that this is nothing compared to what is coming in just a few days, it all felt too much, too scary, too “out-of-the-way” for the path that I’m on.
And I wished that it was over. All of it. That, perhaps, I could skip this “layer” and let my heart “catch up with the last layer” before moving on. That what is would quickly morph into what was and that my life didn’t have to walk this particular bend in the road.
But then ten o’clock arrived. Needles were removed; warmth re-established; hunger abated by a cookie at the cancer lounge before my departure. And I was thankful for the finish, for completing this layer and for its finishing work in me. I’m not keen on repeating it, but something tells me it’s now woven into my story and should it require an encore somewhere down the road, it will hold less mystery and more normalcy for my pilgrim heart.
Thanks for your prayers. Thanks for allowing your heart to walk this layer with me. I want to leave you with a beautiful “gift” my Uncle Bill gave to me this week… another poem! Laura, I know you’re laughing out loud, because you know my penchant for poetry in general. But this one is special—written from a tenderness and depth of understanding that pulls at my pain while alleviating it… all in the same breath.
What layers are you living this day, my good, kind, and compassionate friends?
Live them with the end in mind. As always…
Peace for the journey,
~elaine
Layers –
whether it’s a cake
or a life,
layers.
Time takes time
to do its thing,
layers.
Chapters, changes,
just-around-the-corner
challenges,
layers.
Sometimes they stack up
too fast, too high,
and when we try to peel them back
the new ones get in the way,
layers.
Lord, please hold the next one –
I would like to catch up
with the last one.
I’m lost in the
layers.
From a far,
the strata of my life is textured
with beautiful pain
that cries me to sleep
into a perfect dream,
a dream of
layers,
of colors that will not quit,
of sound and scent
that usher me toward the Holy
and helps me lean into the morning,
into the
layers
of a new day
where awareness whispers
My gratitude is greater than my pain,
my attitude is whole, and I shall remain…
Elaine – now and forevermore –
layered with a joyous childhood,
enriched through study,
toughened by circumstance,
blessed with romance,
fulfilled by family,
and completed by faith –
yes, I am Faith Elaine Killian Woods Olsen,
and don’t you forget it!
In those five names,
there are enough
layers
to carry me for a thousand years.
{written by Bill Killian, Sr.
a poem for Elaine Olsen, my niece
Sunday, September 19, 2010}
There ARE layers — even in your 5 names, Elaine! If our layers could talk!!!????
But sometimes, our layers serve purposes OTHER than revelation.
Gather YOURS closely around you during the current chills life is sending you. Be warmed. Be secure. Picture your layers as evidences of God's faithfulness and protection throughout your years.
Holding you high in my prayers to the Father….
Oh, Elaine…
My heart hurts for you, dear one
as you journey through all these layers;
So, you better believe it, sister,
I keepin' ya in my prayers!
A little humor here….laughter doeth good!! lol!!
I love uncles poetry…..He should publish them….what a blessing!!
Love you and standing with you as He brings you through!!
HE IS FAITHFUL!!
Jackie
Such a beautiful poem! Praying for you…
I'm sorry for your pain and for your tears.
Beautiful poetry.
My dear friend… God has been bringing you to mind, and as He does, I have been praying for you.
I am so thankful for you and all the encouragement you have been to me. Sweet sister – this note about layers hit me too – so many layers we have to go through, we think one is done, and we might get a break, and along comes another one… before we hardly have a chance to breathe.
thank you for keeping us all updated… and oh, I love your uncle's poems!!! Thank you for sharing them with us.
Love and prayers heading your way!
Heather
Dearest Elaine, My heart hurts for all that you are facing and yet I continually see His grace covering you. Loved the poem and being a quilter I thought about layers of a quilt, the middle one providing warmth and substance to the quilt. Experiences, good and bad, shape us into who we are and you girl are pure gold. Lifting you up before the Throne today.
Hugs, Noreen
oh, Elaine – i wish i could be there and do this for you. i wish i could transform your pain and fear into something beautiful! But i can't… but our Lord can! And your continued faith just inspires me so much.
i love you so.
I've never thought of these times as layers– I like that term, because it means the good ones will soon reveal themselves. I went form my Mammogram today and thought of you–now I wait and pray–but seeing your strength encourages me. You are a huge blessing!! Praying for you!!
Loving that you share your layers with those of us you yet not know!!
Praying for Peace as you Journey forward!!
The layers come in God's timing and not ours. Holding you up in prayer.
I just love your uncle's poetry, Elaine. Honestly, they are truly profound.
love,
Candy
Elaine, all of us wish we could be there to hold your hand through all of this. But… just imagine all of us there with you during every procedure, with JESUS leading us in our circle of prayer and love. You are NOT alone during any of this. You are loved more than you know by so many people. Keep the faith! Run the race!!! I know you will do it with grace!!! (hey that rhymes!!)
Love you!
Lori
Your poem from your uncle is so sweet and touching. Uncle Bill sounds like a sweet man.
What Rebecca said, above, is so true, friend. I can't add anymore to that.
You're in my constant thoughts and prayers. Looking forward to visiting soon.
Hugs…
I have holy goosebumps today reading your words and knowing the experience was anything but comfortable. Praying for His peace to surround you and overcome you as you walk these layers.
Praying for your heart to find comfort in Him as He holds you ever so close to Him!
Blessings and love,
Jill
Wow, what a great poem, and how I loved the last portion when he started addressing you personally. What a ministry to your spirit…
Holding you in thoughts and prayers!
You were wrong about this one, sweetie…I'm not laughing. But even through these tears you make me smile because you are such a special, special lady, and I love you. Beautiful pain, indeed. You are beautiful.
What a beautiful poem, such a blessing to have such a gifted and loving uncle.
The poem is breath-taking. Especially the words (names) that were spoken over you.
And I love you.
Kathy
My layers…
As I lay on acupunturist's table awaiting treatment I feel somewhat apprehensive today. This is a new practitioner I'm seeing. I don't know her. I could feel her kindness and compassion. I filled her in on my happenings to bring me to this season of my life. She asked me questions and I answered. We agreed on the course of action for treatment. Still somewhat apprehensive. She began with my treatment. I could feel the emotions welling up inside me. One needle at a time. It only took about needles and I was at my threshold. I started trembling and felt nauseous. She pulled what needles were left. The trembling became worse. All of a sudden I was sitting erect with fear and sobs with tears streaming…. She simply held me and coached my breathing and rubbed my back. I feel fragile and vulnerable tonight. One layer peeled back. Many more to go. The Lord holds me up… keeps me safe. I love YOU Father God. Amen.
Thank YOU for using Elaine in this way to feed us and to guide her where YOU need her. In Jesus' name, amen.
Dearest Heart,
For what it's worth, there will come a kind of normalcy with all of these things. I remember thinking – more than once – that becoming familiar with these machines, these needles and tubes, these people, this experience is NOT what I had planned. But the prudent live our lives with the ending in mind and the kingdom work done through your trials will redeem them.
I want to steal Uncle Bill.
Standing alongside,
Judith
Oh what a beautiful poem…My heart is hurting for you and I am sending a HUG and many prayers…
Teresa
I'm so sorry you are having to go through all of this right now..I can not even imagine what it's like, yet you're helping me "experience" it a little as you describe it to us…
Praying for you!
~Beth
what a beautiful poem – thank you for sharing it.
You seem like such a brave woman! I think of the times I have ran to hide at the small (following your blog they seem so small)things in my life. Your words of faith are so encouraging.
In my prayers,
Linda J
Beautiful, dear friend. Praying for you, and thanking our Father for your willingness to share with us. You bless us more than you know
I can't imagine what you are going through…the pain…the emotions, but I can imagine and know the God that is holding Your hand through each layer. In my prayers…
Dear Elaine,
Your description of the PET or CT scan and your vulnerable morale bring tears to my eyes. You bring me back to the same place – for I have walked this cancer road with my husband. Me like your pastor-husband, my pastor-husband like you.
God's work in our lives is often tediously overwhelming. I know He will give you sustaining grace, and patience as He perfects you, restores you.
You may waver, but He never will. He is the same…always. And you radiate his glory. Even now I see it shining through you, your words.
Be of good cheer. Sorrow may last for a night, but Joy, indeed, comes in the morning. May your morning come quickly.
With my prayers for you all,
Dawn
Oohhh, beautiful poem! How is it that there is beauty even in the midst of pain?
I'm still praying for you, and reading your book as well. You have a beautiful spirit that is wrapped up on all those layers!
Elaine, as a girl who grew up in northern Ohio, I remember frigid winter mornings when my breath could not only be seen but would also bring warmth to cold hands. I am praying that as you are pricked, prodded and exposed you will feel the warm breath of Christ envelope you. May you see Him in every test and treatment. With each passing layer, may your faith grow ever deeper and His breath grow ever warmer.
Thank you for your transparency and for sharing your journey. God is and will continue to be glorified by your "voice" and your life.
Shalom,
Denise
loving you, praying with you.
Oh. my. word! I love your uncle! What a gift with words and thoughts and love.
Continuing to pray… at all hours of the day.
wifeforthejourney:
Its hard for me to read posts like this one because there are so many things I would like to "be there" for that I know I cannot. I intensely dislike my limitations in even the preparations for your cancer treatment – but then I read what your uncle Bill wrote – what a gift!
Even in our limitations and our lack of control God affords us opportunities to help one another. This morning I know we have another return trip to the hospitial, another scan and another time where I can't be in the room with you – but Jesus will be right there with you. Today I rest on His promises and am resolved to take comfort in knowing that you are loved and supported by so many more than just me.
We are not alone; how good it is to be part of the Body of Christ!
Love,
Billy
Hello, Beautiful Elaine. I was so eager to catch up with you as I attempt a return to blogland after my own dark season of illness. Just know I'm sending Love with a capital L to you and yours. Please don't answer this as I will be sad you troubled yourself to do so!!! Peace for your journey,
Gail W.