I am bothered by Jacob’s love for his sons. His parceling of love and partiality toward Joseph doesn’t befit his patriarchal identity. This father of twelve should have loved better. More perfect…more even. But he didn’t. Some would argue God’s will in the matter. I would argue man’s will postured toward personal preference. Either way it feels wrong, and it tears at the core of every human heart who has known the second penchant of a parent’s affection.
Joseph’s brothers knew the positioning of a second love. And as so often the case when love is labeled, bitterness seeds a root, and anger grows a tree. It was a seeding that would cost Joseph his freedom, his brothers a deep sin, and his father a profound grief. If only Jacob had known what his preferred loving—his imperfections in parenting would cost him…would cost others…then, maybe, he would have chosen a better path.
Maybe I would.
Imperfect parenting. Guilty as charged.
That was the label I wore recently, as I lashed out at my sixteen-year-old son over a situation that required my intervention. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was out of control. Emotion won out over reason, and within the course of a moment, I had stripped my son of his ornamental robe and reduced him to a weeping that would later bring me my own tears of sorrowed repentance.
I screwed up. And while my involvement in the situation was necessary, it could have been handled differently. This is a familiar chorus that I have echoed over the past nineteen years. To chronicle my failings as a parent would take too long, require too much ink, and undoubtedly, would have most of you wondering why I am bothering to pass along any parenting thoughts at all.
I wonder that myself. In fact, if I am not careful in this moment, I could easily allow myself a quick dive into one of my frequently visited pits—worthlessness. But God reminds me that he is after something in this moment. God is after truth—a little salt and light and seasoning for the road ahead. He reminds me that there is no profit in pretend. No merit in the masking. No sacred in the secrets.
He simply asks me to live my life out loud and as real. And real, for me, has sometimes meant a hurtful wrong for my children. What I choose to do with that “real” harbors the seed for their tomorrow. Self-preservation always seeds temporary, but humbled confession always seeds eternal. And I want my children to grow eternally through me (mistakes and all), rather than simply in spite of me.
Thus, when humbled and needed confession becomes my necessary, the I’m sorry’s and will you forgive me’s find their voice. Never once have my children denied me their forgiveness. Never once has my Savior denied me his.
Instead of my imperfection becoming fertile soil for a bitter root, my Father tills it as a demonstration of his unimaginable grace. In laymen’s terms…God can take my screws ups and use them for his kingdom purposes.
Does that merit the sin? Not at all.
But God’s grace is a transforming work. The reality of our sin—the memories of all our regrets and wishes for a “do over”—well, it isn’t the final word in the matter. Jesus Christ is the final Word. And sometimes, our biggest imperfections become the eternal embrace of our Father who offers his perfected punctuation in the end.
“But Joseph said to them, ‘Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’” (Genesis 50:19-20).
The saving of many lives. Who could have known what Jacob’s imperfect parenting would harvest? God knew, and he knows the same where we are concerned.
I don’t know how this strikes you in the midst of your parenting today…in the daily grind of raising faith in the lives of your children and grandchildren and of those who live under your influence. It strikes me hard, but it gives me hope.
I cannot fully see the end of yesterday’s parenting mistakes. I remember some of them, but most have been forgotten, swept away by the love of my children whose forgiveness breathes deep and whose love reaches always. I will never parent them perfectly, but I will love them with the firm belief that…
If faith is to be raised, then imperfections must be embraced.
Not forgotten. Not unmentioned. Not pushed aside and tucked away in a drawer where pride and stubborn hold the keys. No, imperfections must be owned and acknowledged. They must be treated as real and as raw, for there is no profit in pretending. No merit in the masking. And if grace is to be tilled, then grace must be sown through our humble confession. I want my life to seed eternal. I want the same for my children, and so I pray…
Keep me, Father, from the imperfect parenting that perfectly scripts a disastrous result. Instead, make me a better parent through the transforming power of your Spirit within. And when I fail…when sin finds a root because of the flesh that remains…till my soil for a better seed that blooms eternal and that raises the faith of the generation who follows. I thank you for the immeasurable privilege to parent. Forgive me when I treat it as anything but your sacred gift to me. Amen.
Copyright © May 2008 – Elaine Olsen. All rights reserved.
Thank you Elaine. That was just what I need as we approach Father’s Day. A good reminder that it was just as much the imperfect parenting as well as the perfected, that shaped who I am today, and pointed me to my Savior.
I needed that.
Great thoughts that spoke into my heart this morning.
I copied 2 quotes that spoke loudest and changed the wording so i could own it. Thanks for the message and for being real.
The 2 quotes are:
“Self-preservation always seeds temporary, but humbled confession always seeds eternal. And I want to grow eternally through (mistakes and all), rather than simply be.”
“Instead of my imperfection becoming fertile soil for a bitter root, my Father tills it as a demonstration of his unimaginable grace. In laymen’s terms…God can take my screws ups and use them for his kingdom purposes.”
Blessings
Katrina
Elaine,
The forgiveness given and received is what I am so hungry for at this season in my life. I have two siblings, grown and married, that do not know Christ. I have to remind myself, that with that statement, they can’t love me like I desire to be loved. They can’t forgive because they don’t understand their own sin, etc.
Forgiveness…something powerful that I read in your post that you are teaching your precious children.
All about the Cross
Love,
Yolanda
No merit in the masking…hmmmm. That’s good.
Thank you for sharing your heart! Every time I visit your site, I feel as though I’ve been to Bible Study. And that is good.
Prayers and Blessings!
Rebecca
Is that a frown or perhaps a grin breaking through???
LOVE IT!
🙂
I really feel that is only because you admit and embrace your imperfections in parenting that you have anything to say on the subject to the rest of us. Those who view themselves as faultless here (is that really anyone?) have not learned or processed anything…..they live in denial and it remains masked.
I love how the Holy Spirit does his work of convicting. You clearly allow that to take root and then He continues to teach and transform.
Elaine, your experiences are genuine and not unusual. I know that because I live my mistakes over again as I read your account. You accurately know the Bible and draw truth and perspective from it. You look back at your errors and with the Holy Spirits help, apply the necessary actions. Thank you for being raw and real. It affirms and heals your readers. It has helped me today in my journey for a higher perspective.
As brother Billy often puts it “is your phone ringin’?”, “am I medlin’?” You definitely got “my phone ringin’ today,my friend. You stopped just short of meddlin’!. I truly feel you are writing this series just for me!
Thank you!
Blessings and hugs!
Liz
What sad and pitiful look of your child. 🙁
I too have pondered and had a hard time digesting the parents in the Bible that favored children. I feel shameful as my memory is failing me right now but….Then Rebekah favored Jacob and Isaac favored Esau.
Fortunately, we have the perfect example of parenting and we never have to worry with being loved any less than our siblings in Christ.
I also love how even though Joseph’s brothers hated him and tried to destroy him, Joseph still reacted in love and with such grace and dignity…at least the way I recall the readings.
And once again, dear Elaine, you hit the nail, you pin the tail, your X marks the spot.
“bitterness seeds a root, and anger grows a tree.”
It deserves to be cross-stitched, engraved, perhaps even memorized. I love this gift God-given and generously poured out. Always a treat for the heart and the imagination.
Oh! How often I have been right where you were yesterday. I have “lost it”, if you will, more than several times in my almost 10 years of parenting. I am not perfect nor will I ever be, but my children always know that I love them and that yes, MOM makes mistakes too. Praise God for the unconditional love of a child. Love you!
Thanks once again, for keeping it real and sharing some very important truths with us.
I’ve really enjoyed this study. What a gifted teacher/writer you are.
“Who could have known what Jacob’s imperfect parenting would harvest? God knew, and he knows the same where we are concerned”
Thanking God for His amazing kindness, mercy and grace towards us all.
Blessings Elaine♥
Amazing.
I am, again, stilled at your words as they lead us deeper on into our Father’s will.
Oh boy, did I ever need to read this. I don’t want to post anything so I’ll email you tomorrow more specifics, but could you please lift our daughter/teen mom up in your prayers?
Thank you for posting this Elaine. I need backtrack & read the other posts in this series. My home computer has been acting up still & I’ve been so swamped at work I haven’t done much blog visiting, but tonight its cooperating :).
Thanks again for posting this…for this is definitely one of my favorite blogs to read.
Hugs,
Lelia
The other morning, AGAIN, my son received my unkind reaction to a situation through my carless use of words. Almost immediately, as the words were leaving my lips, I thought of the wonderful “Christ-like” example I was demonstrating. In humility I apologized to God and my son for allowing feelings of anger and frustration to win over feelings of love and forgiveness.
My parenting is so often filled with mistakes, but I trust that my son also sees true repentance from a broken heart. I don’t want him to ever see me as ‘perfect’, but journeying alongside him in surrender, becoming more like Christ.
Unmasked,
Joy
Elaine – what poignant thoughts… how often I think the road should be easy without any rocks on the way… but where would I get my foothold?
After reading the comments on your ‘silence’ posting, I’ve come to the conclusion that bloggers are the ‘stage people’ but long to develop their shadow side. Our call to “be perfect as He is perfect” is a lifelong process which seems to involve an inordinate struggle to develop the latent facets of our personalities. We all were created in His image, but have a variety of His characteristics. We constantly seem to be at war with our customary way of operating. (For me that has taken the shape of learning to speak when necessary, and regrets are in the area of holding back when a word was called for.)
Enough reflection for now. Again, good job!
~Muz
Another well written post.
I want to thank you for your kind words on my blog. I have truly been overwhelmed at the outpouring of love from friends. It has been a balm to my weary soul. Thanks for caring.
~Wendi
You could have posted my picture adjacent to the “imperfect parent” lines …
My three are now grown. They amaze me with their talent, devotion and hard work ethics, but my heart hurts that not a one of them serves the Lord.
I’ve scratched my head alot over the years. Ultimately I’ve found great comfort in God’s grace, and equal comfort in His freeing me from the perfectionism that once plagued me.
I’ll be thinking on this one for a long time, Elaine.
Kathleen
I have been where you have been when it comes to parenting, I am striving to think before I speak… It is helping… Thanks for the posting today I truly needed to hear it…
Connie
GBU
How is it possible that you can step on my toes yet touch my heart all at the same time? I’m going to print and post these words…
“No profit in pretend. No merit in the masking. No sacred in the secrets.”
I can’t tell you how often I’ve thanked the Lord for “do-overs” as Beth Moore calls them in the raising of our son.
Thank you for being real. You inspire and bless me continually.
Tracy
I really missed your posts while I was away….and how well timed in my life is this one. Thank you for your encouraging words…Yesterday was not my shining moment as a parent…..I needed to hear these words today.
Thank you for sharing yourself with humble honesty. It is a blessing!
God Bless,
Amy:)
I dropped by just for a quick look and was going to just breeze through the post and leave a comment…but I couldn’t. So I will be back later to give these posts I have missed a good looking over.
At the end of the week I’ll have a little more time on my hands.
See ya soon.
What an amazing post! If I had a blog when my kids were young I could have written this one. I can still remember the way they looked at me when I messed up. Thank you for reminding me that He always forgives and they do too! I’m glad we can say we are sorry and ask for forgiveness. It’s not easy for a lot of parents! I especially loved this part of your prayer… “till my soil for a better seed that blooms eternal…” Great word! Much love to a great Mom! They are Blessed to have you!
Love,
Angie xoxo