I didn’t mean to find them.
They were hidden there amidst the accolades of my former season: diplomas, caps and gowns, tassels and cords, a Master’s Thesis, my first diary, my first attempts at creative writing neatly organized in a bright yellow folder. A banker’s box worth of yesterdays was crammed at the back of my attic and the purposeful intention behind my husband’s search a few nights ago.
I was looking for a high school photograph of myself. What I found, instead, was a treasure trove of memories. All of them precious. All except one.
I don’t know why I saved it. Of all the many gracious and tender mementos that I had packed away for future viewing, I’m at a loss as to why I kept this one.
A battered blue pocket folder filled with eleven papers that I had written for my Advanced Composition Class during my freshman year at college. All typed on onion skin paper. All amply marked with “red,” and all of them, every last one of them, crowned with the academic genius of a “C.”
Average papers, friends. The problem? I wasn’t an average student. “C’s” were not my portion. At least not in the academic realm. Life, perhaps a different matter, but when it came to grades, I made the grade. Needless to say, when I pulled out that memory, my heart skipped a beat as I recalled the disappointment that I had felt when receiving those grades over twenty years ago. And while my husband and senior son provided their good humored ribbing alongside their accompanying shock, I quietly nursed some old wounds that reared their ugly in vivid detail.
It’s been happening to me a lot lately … this retrieval of old and sometimes painful memories. I’m not sure as to the exact reason why, but I think that it has something to do with an upcoming talk that I will be presenting about becoming “a living stone from brokenness”—my life of almost forty-three years presented in a forty-five minute nutshell. And friends, that’s a whole lot of broken crammed into a very small window of opportunity.
I have my outline and pages of corresponding back-up material ready to go. There is even a scripturally based “formula” prepared for taking my listeners, even as I have taken myself, from a state of brokenness toward a state of repair. But for all of the words that I have planned in advance, for all of the preparations that I have put into this one event, none have touched me so deeply as the ones that have presented themselves to me in vivid and living color over the past few weeks.
Real people. Real situations. Real memories. Real brokenness.
And here’s what I think, especially as it pertains to those of us who are endeavoring to humbly walk our accompanying talk.
Whatever God is “working on” in us, whatever he is refining and tweaking in us toward his good purposes and our perfected end, this is the very thing that he allows to confront us in raw and unedited ways. At unsuspecting times and, yet, in perfectly determined measure.
I’ve come to expect God’s unexpected; thus, when it arrives, I have a choice to make. I can bury it, or I can run with it to see where Father God will lead. And since burying usually leaves me as I am, I am prone to choosing the latter because I’ve finally come to the conclusion that running with God is his intended adventure for this heart of mine.
Accordingly, I ran with my battered blue folder all the way to my computer on a prompt from my son.
“Let’s Google this guy and see if we can find him, mom.”
Within seconds, I had access to this professor who was responsible for the blight on my academic record and for my former status as “average.” On a whim, I emailed him, reminding him of my presence in his classroom and about the amount of red ink that he so willingly expended on my behalf. Our families were acquainted with one another. Growing up in a small town and attending the corresponding college dictates a familiarity between the “locals” that is rarely gleaned in a larger arena.
Consequently, I was fairly confident that he would make the connection. He did, and the next morning a beautiful and humble response was waiting for me in my “inbox.” He acknowledged his “fussiness” over his grading in the past and went on to thank me for introducing him to the second half of my life. He’s added “peace for the journey” to his favorites list and also shared with me about some of the personal pain that he is currently experiencing in his own life.
In return, I thanked him for his gracious reply and for the privilege of praying on behalf of his family. I did pray, and I will continue to do so. Why?
Because God intends for me to run with him wherever the wind blows. And just this week, it blew me backward and then forward again to land me in a better place of understanding—a holier place of perception that breathes with the living pulse of an eternal Father who promises to work all of my “things” … all of your things … toward his good and perfect end.
And that end, dear ones, is anything but average. It rates much higher than a “C”, and for the record, it carries the red marks of a Savior’s love who isn’t content to leave us as we are, but who bled all over the pages of our manuscripts so that we could carry him as the most treasured memory of our always.
Unexpected moments—the real and raw and perfectly timed occasions of doing life with Jesus. I’m ready to run. I hope that your heart cries out for the same. Thus I pray…
Keep us to our run, Father, and to our willingness to embrace your wind beneath our feet as it blows. Let not the brokenness from our yesterdays prevent us from our healing in our today. Instead, use them as your building blocks for our tomorrows—for the seasons that are waiting to breathe in fullness because we’ve entrusted our past into your faithful and tender care. Take it all, Lord, and use it for your glory—my history and my now. Humbly I offer them both for your gracious and completed end. Amen.
Copyright © February 2009 – Elaine Olsen
~elaine
PS: Just in case you’re wondering, Mr. Professor’s red ink was warranted. After reading some of those papers…
Have mercy! Shalom.
Isn’t it interesting how the Lord brings our past to light in order to work on the present? He is so doing that in my life right now.
Because ‘control’ is and always has been a big issue for me, He is putting me in many, many situations where I have absolutely no control. Lord, have mercy.
Beautiful post.
Leah
I love that God “brings to life” that which we desire so much to teach. He takes the black and white of our thoughts and infuses His vivid color so that when we speak, we do so honestly and humbly.
Keep running with Him!
Blessings,
Denise
Thanks for your reminder that we need to run the race with diligence, knowing that the Lord is right there running with us. He doesn’t ask us to do it by ourselves.
I don’t know about your previous writing adventures, but I am so enjoying the beautiful way you have of expressing yourself now. Thank you for sharing your heart. Donna
I hope you know you’ve grown WAY past “C” in your writing abilities. Bless you for teaching us to embrace, learn from, and get past our brokenness with our precious Lord’s help. (and don’t forget to stop by my blog for a little something!)
wifeforthejourney:
You continue to be a blessing to us all as you share your gifts. I’m sure some of my professors are being treated for red ink poisoning. How good it is that we don’t have to be defined by our critics.
You are the best honey!
Love,
Billy
Just stopping by at Joanne’s suggestion. This post resonated with me. I worked so hard on a psychology paper about myself and got a “C” on it! It made me question so many things, including, “do I even know myself?” Looking back, the answer is probably, “no,” because I hadn’t yet faced many critical realities in my life. Loved your honesty and the way you were able to reach out to the professor and even encourage him!
Good morning! I love the fact that you wrote to your professor after all these years and he responded. I am in constant touch with my former teachers…they’re the ones who pushed me along to become a teacher, they’ve encouraged me when I was a dorky teen ager, and yes, they even gave me horrid grades. The one I remember most is in SEWING class! (I still don’t sew, but I can cook — and my home ec teacher is one of my “bestest” friends, too!)
Thanks for the verse this morning…great reminder! Hope you have a great day!!
Elaine, this is one of your best! The audience for your talk is going to be in for some true enlightenment. I'm sure your professor will be forever grateful that you contacted him; I'm basing that on his response.
You have the beginning of another book in this posting! It's one we all need to read.
Love,
R&B
“Whatever God is ‘working on’ in us, whatever he is refining and tweaking in us toward his good purposes and our perfected end, this is the very thing that he allows to confront us in raw and unedited ways. At unsuspecting times and, yet, in perfectly determined measure.”
I too have the markings from the past of such tweaking. I pray I won’t remember with discouragement, but see the growth the refinement invited.
So thankful for His writing over me,
Joy
refinement from the fire…the fire that He stepped right into for us…and yet we are not worthy of His suffering. How great is His love…How grateful are we?!! Yes, A+ thankful
What a wonderful composition you wrote today, through His help, He was giving you the words.
“Take it all, Lord, and use it for your glory — my history and my now.” What a wonderful prayer, Elaine. May it be the prayer of all our hearts…
By the way, a family friend gave me the only C I ever received (as an overall grade in a class, that is!) I still remember how depressed I was getting that C on my 9 wks grade card in 9th grade science. 🙂
Another lovely post today. It’s so amazing how the Lord brings people in our lives, takes them out, and puts them in again. “For a time such as this”! Amazing!
Marilyn
“…I’ve finally come to the conclusion that running with God is his intended adventure for this heart of mine.”
AMEN to that one.
Melanie@Bella~Mella
Just like our faith walk – we go from average to super student! I can recall many times in my life where my walk with the Lord was just, well average. And yes, below average at times. It’s reminders from the stepping stones of my past that I see where I have been, how much I have grown and yes, that I don’t want to be average for Jesus! I think too… even when I thought my walk was more than average (and that still happens) Jesus’ red blot of blood from the cross reminds me of the correction and growth I need in my life!
When I see those marks on your papers – I see growth. You as a writer my friend are not average! And you as a warrior for Christ are not average!
Sister – run all the way home!!!
Love you,
K
It’s quite possible that that red ink was the very catalyst that sent you into the realm of green ink. God knew the end from the beginning, and probably had a good laugh just knowing where He’d lead you.
As a child, I was frequently told my “vivid imagination” was not appreciated (teachers). Thank God they were not successful in chaining that imagination!
Hugs,
Kathleen
We’re living the same life right now… thanks for the encouragement, sister!
So serious all through and then… the end! I chuckled about the observation about the grade being deserved.
There are days where I’d simply be happy with average, to tell you the truth. : )
This is so great Elaine. 🙂 I love this “Whatever God is “working on” in us, whatever he is refining and tweaking in us toward his good purposes and our perfected end, this is the very thing that he allows to confront us in raw and unedited ways. At unsuspecting times and, yet, in perfectly determined measure.” andthe part that followsabout learning to expect God’s unexpected. I’ve heard the teaching that God expects our unexpected. (The things that just randomly happen tht we thinke WHERE did this come from?) But I like your take on learning to expect His unexpected. Thanks!
This post and LauraLee’s post on reverent submission reminds me to heed the ‘tweaking’ that is currently going on…it is a tad painful though…but yours, and others’ stories, give me that push to persevere…
Thank you, Elaine..
I think we all have our “battered blue folders.” The painful memories insude are the very ones that hold such great potential in our lives, as I am learning. AND, we periodically add new things to our folder. I don’t think that will ever stop.
Elaine, it’s amazing as I read this because over the yrs of our marriage I have often told my husband and kids the story of the one failing grade I received in math. I was so shocked and appauled that I went home, studied literally all night, showered and went to school and demanded, yes demanded that he give me a test again, a different test to prove that I knew the material. He smiled at me, took a few minutes to write up several questions, gave me the exam and out came an A!
He said he would never forget me for my determination not to accept the failure.
Now, you’d think I’d focus on that o no, I have always told the story from the angle of I couldn’t believe I failed a test!!!!
I too find myself often lately thinking about times from the past particularly difficult ones and in that God is showing me something and fine tuning me as he is doing with all of us.
I appreciate your message.
Life with God is such a walk of faith. I don’t know why so many of us Christians have trust issues with Him. God has been challenging me recently to have more faith. Thank you for your inspiring words.
Elaine, thank you so much for visiting my blog. Your words were so very encouraging and uplifting. May God richly bless your ministry.
This made me think of Session One in Esther and that fabulous quote:
“You cannot amputate your history from your destiny.”
Isn’t it amazing how all our knotted threads eventually weave together to reveal a beautiful tapestry?
Love to you sweet friend,
Melinda
Elaine! You take the cake. What a wonderful blessing came from used to be pain.
Just a note to let you know: I received my cd yesterday! I can’t wait to listen. Thank you, friend!
Life is interesting. Where it takes us sometimes is so unexpected. Red marks such as those were just refining moments. You are far more than just average my sweet friend!! Far More!!
In His Graces~Pamela
Amen girlfriend!! Thanks for you kind comments. I am always so wiped out on Thursday afternoons that I come home and crash so I am just now responding to your kind words. “There is a friend that sticketh closer than an brother.” I think you and I have found that unique relationship via the internet! Only God could be able to “connect the dots” from your computer to mine and knit souls together. This is what Beth Moore calls a “God stop.” I call it a “kiss from the King” when you are aware that God has arranged a divine appt. through what you thought was nothing more than a random action. I still am not exactly sure how I got to your site but it was thorugh a series of random clicks through other Christian women’s sites and comments. Who knew.
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. And thank you for the euthsiasm we share for the Word of God and communicating the profound truths of the Word and making them practical tothe women we are privileged to influence.
Yes, the live video feed is every Thurs. at 10:45 CT. for the next 7 weeks. The lessons are archived at the bellevue site so you could catch up on the 2 you missed. i teach 10 week series and then break for summer. Currently Belleuve has my series on Esther and on Elijah still archived online. I do not know how long they will stay up. We will soon (in a few months) also have podcast available on my blog of each of the series.
On my website I sell the 10-series in CDs or DVDs along with the workbooks at http://www.jeanstockdale.com. We are able to sell them cheaper than Amazon, etc. online if you interested in purchasing any of the workbooks. I currently have 6 series done (well I am in the process of doing the 6th). Check out the site and let us know if we can help you at all.
Again, I thank you for all the encouragement to keep pressing on. And I am thrilled to know I have a “sista” out there in the blogoshpere that is serving onside me!!
God is certainly still teaching me to ‘run above my average’. Your blog is beautiful as is your writing. I’m thankful that Joanne suggested coming here. It is certainly a blessing this morning.
Teresa
Beautiful! I recently found a college paper I’d written on “How to tune a violin.” I’d received a B-. She did not understand my humor at all when I concluded with describing how you’ll have to start all over once you think it is tuned. (I suppose only string players would understand, looking back.)
Maybe I should look her up, too!
🙂
Amen Elaine. That’s all I can say!
Elaine, thank you so much for showing me how God works in your life! He is doing a big, scary, and hard thing in my life. I’m learning that “running with it” is the best answer. Beautiful!
Absolutely capital “A” for “Anointed” here.
“Whatever God is “working on” in us, whatever he is refining and tweaking in us toward his good purposes and our perfected end, this is the very thing that he allows to confront us in raw and unedited ways. At unsuspecting times and, yet, in perfectly determined measure.”
Wowzer. Will be chewing on this for a month!!!!
Oh Elaine– I loved loved this post! I love finding pieces of our past and wondering…but you reached out and touched it!WOW! I also have noticed a slight change in your writing style and I love it even more than before–it is probably me but I find I can relate better–it is clearer and speaks to me more. Am I imagining it?
Elaine,
I’m thankful for a B that I received in my Jr-Sr English class. At the time I wasn’t, I couldn’t believe it, the instructor shared with my Mom that I had an A in that class, but she couldn’t warrant giving it to me, because it came to easy. She didn’t see me applying myself…and that Girlfriend lit a fire in me.
You may not tell it today, for my grammas is atrocious, but I still have a desire to pen the words the Lord puts in my heart because HE says, share what is in there, share it Friend. And so I do.
I’ve got something brewing in me….I’m thrilling to what the Lord is showing me. Thank you for being a catalyst, unbeknownst to you, for me.
Love YOU,
Yolanda
This is beautiful, Elaine, and so true. The very things we bury in our lives usually sprout again, even uglier and stronger than before. I am so thankful that God helps us go to the root of the brokenness in our lives, exposing it and using it for His Glory! Through that our healing happens.
Great post, sister. :o)
My favorite paragraph that you wrote was this:
“I’ve come to expect God’s unexpected; thus, when it arrives, I have a choice to make. I can bury it, or I can run with it to see where Father God will lead. And since burying usually leaves me as I am, I am prone to choosing the latter because I’ve finally come to the conclusion that running with God is his intended adventure for this heart of mine.”
ADVENTURE = A Victoriously abundant life!
I loved the wrap-up about the prof – how special. Only God – and yes, pray on! That’s what it’s all about – the Spirit blowing. I believe that God is in the midst of blowing a New Holiness Movement across our country and perhaps the world – like He did 100 years ago in Whales. Let’s take flight!
REVIVAL – past, present, and future!
Looking UPward and Choosing JOY,
Stephanie
[Time to FLY]
Elaine – this post just spoke to my heart. You brought out so many important and vital points, that I will go back and read it again and take some notes! Your writing is amazing. I hope that I can reach this caliber one day. Of course, all to the glory of my Lord.
Blessings,
Beth
Hey Mrs. Elaine,
I’m always running to work, but I wanted to let you know that I will pray for you for your speaking event. I will pray for you to be filled with His Spirit, and that He would be glorified in the message He has given you. Claiming the promise that His Word will not return void-all to His Glory!
Blessings, love in HIM, and ((HUGS)),
katiegfromtennessee
Loved reading how you dealt with your past red marks. This is beautiful. The ending is often better than the beginning if we just finish the race!
🙂
I enjoyed this post as I do all of them when I stop by.
Have a wonderful weekend! And may God be your voice when you share your story!
Hugs,
Tiffany
I would love your prayers. I actually wrote a blog(I think I was writing it when you posted on my wall) that gives a little more detail. There is a situation in my life that has caused some bitterness. I’m just tired, frustrated and not sure what to do. I will try to email you about it soon. I would love your prayers and advice. I’m so busy, but I will work on emailing you soon! Thanks!
Oh, I know that feeling of cringing when I look back at earlier writings. But good for you that you got back in touch with that professor and now are able to pray for him in a time of need. God is awesome!
Hey Mrs. Elaine, I just read your newest post that I didn’t get time to read this morn:) I am blessed by it. I know that if I allow God to heal the brokeness in me, then I can be living proof that God is able to redeem, restore, and heal. You are correct! He is into completing what He has started in us! That is amazing that the Lord would direct us to the same scripture like that! Scripture is the only way to renew our minds and teach us the truth to live by:)
Blessings to you:):)
katiegfromtennessee