“Six months.”
That was Dr. Habal’s response to me last August when I inquired of him how long this cancer treatment process would take. A process that, thus far, has included:
- three surgeries,
- eight rounds of chemotherapy,
- four doctors,
- countless vials of surrendered blood,
- PET/CT scans,
- thousands of miles on the road,
- a growing stack of medical bills,
- sleepless nights,
- up to eight medications in a single dosage,
- hair loss,
- nail loss,
- weight gain,
- sexual desire obliterated,
- neuropathy in feet and hands,
- prostheses fitting, and…
- innumerable moments of confusion, discouragement, and just plain feeling like I would never climb out from the bottom of my malignant pit.
Undoubtedly, further pondering would add to this inventory, but I think you get my point. I don’t bullet list the process to garner your sympathy. I do so to highlight the fact that, had I known what I was signing up for on the front end of my six months, my spirit might have initially failed me. I’m glad I didn’t know. I was fairly confident that what would be required of me would be a stringent test of my totality—body, mind, soul, and spirit. I was also certain that what I would require of my God would be a hefty portion of his daily grace, giving me the “all” that I needed, exactly at the moment of my needing it. He’s been faithful to my requirement, every step along the pathway.
But even though I lacked first-hand knowledge regarding the particulars of how this process was going to flesh itself out—even though it all seemed rather benign and surreal in that initial moment—Dr. Habal’s “six months” statement to me nearly seven months ago felt like a death sentence… felt interminable and everlasting.
That was then, and this is now. Six months have come and gone, and just yesterday I made the return 150 mile trek back to Dr. Habal’s office to benchmark the moment. There was laughter and hugs aplenty; Nurse Beth has since given birth to beautiful baby boy Caleb and was more than happy to share his photographs with us—a new life to celebrate on both counts, hers and mine. Dr. Habal was reassuring in his assessment of my healing chest wounds and in regards to my follow-up, oncological treatment at Cape Fear Valley Cancer Center. I left his office feeling a bit renewed, like I had accomplished a great feat… a freeing of sorts from my malignant pit.
And I thought about the surrender of my last six months… the brevity and longevity of its witness.
So much taken away. So much added to my daily routine. So much death coursing through my veins. So much life harboring beneath the soil, waiting for resurrection’s song. So much trauma, drama, entrances and exits. So much crying, trying, hoping and praying. So much searching. So much hurting. So much loneliness. So much loving. So much of everything wrapped up into the surrender of my last six months.
So much life yet to live because of my surrender to the last six months.
And somewhere in the midst of all of it—the best and the worst of my everything—is a sermon (as my father likes to say) that will “preach.” A homily, a witness, a testifying grace to the worthiness of a life surrendered to a “six month” process of chosen suffering so that a malignancy could be removed. So that new life could begin… again.
I imagine that all of us, if we haven’t already, will reach a point in our earthly tenures of having to surrender our lives to a “six month” suffering in order to know some healing. A “six month” process of dying to something in order to take hold of God’s everything. Some of us will walk it more heavily than others. For some, the requirement will be greater. For some, a lesser portion. But all of our surrenders to our “six months,” when given to the charge and keep of our Father, will birth a beautiful forward glance because of a backward willingness to bow down, dig in, and fight hard for the healing.
Six months of chosen surrender can author a glorious resurrection for the dying pilgrim. Six months of sacred submission can yield a celebrated renaissance that will resonate far more clearly, far more brilliantly than had not the yielding been chosen.
Six months of surrender.
I’ve walked mine in anticipation of the next…
six months.
How differently I imagine them to unfold than the previous ones. How expectantly I pray that they will. I pray the same for you, my good, pilgrim friends.
Perhaps this day you’re standing on the front side of your “six months.” Perhaps somewhere in the middle. Perhaps, like me, you’re filtering out of that season, standing on the hindsight of your surrender and feeling the depths of what it is to have known so much, walked so much, suffered so much. Wherever your heart and flesh are in this moment, I’m living proof that all of our surrendered seasons, when lived under the scrutiny and watchful eyes of our Father, will culminate to give each one of us a backward glance that “will preach” for all of eternity.
They may not feel good to you. You may not want them—your six months of surrender—but when they arrive as a certainty upon the soil of your “next,” my God and I want you to know that you can survive with them. You can even thrive in the middle of them. You, most assuredly, can live beyond them. Why? Because we serve a with them, in the middle of them, beyond them God. He has not abandoned you. He has authored you, and he will walk you through your next six months.
Thanks be to God for the indescribable gift of his continuing, durable, and fortified presence in our lives. He lives so that we can live tomorrow. Today as well. As always…
Peace for the journey,
~elaine
PS: FYI… I didn’t win the scholarship to She Speaks, but I appreciate your good thoughts and prayers along the way. It’s all good.
Wow. 6 months. I think that's your title of your next book my beauty of a friend/sister.
I more than heart you, but that you already know.
So true that–if we knew on the precipice of our '6 months' (or a year or a lifetime) what actually lay ahead on that path, we might be reluctant to set our foot upon it for that first step. And yet, looking back, the journey has good along with the horrid, and grace with the hardship.
So glad to see how far you've come; rejoicing with you in the passing of the last season and the hope that comes with the spring just ahead.
(And there are several other scholarship opportunities. Check out Glynnis Whitwer's blog for one that might be right up your alley.)
Always,
Mary
Elaine
I can't believe it's been six months. You are an amazing witness and I'm so glad you are on this side of the journey.
May God continue to heal and strengthen you – may the 12 month milestone be one of great joy and passion – and bring healing from some of the things you are facing.
With much love and prayers.
I love your little fringe of new hair Elaine ! And I think it's significant that it comes just as the new sprigs of green grass and little flowers poke their heads up from the winter's ground. New life!! I'm so excited for what your next "six months" will bring for you!
Love you girl !
Marilyn
I remember my six months…Missy's death. And its sermon is still alive in my heart. I came to know God in a way I never had before. I came to see that He truly loved ME and knew I existed. I came to know a loving God, the Creator of the universe, who walked beside me holding me up when I could not stand. I came to know a faithful God. I think we all have something in our lives that either makes or breaks our spiritual walk, depending upon how we allow God to be in the middle of it. I did…not through some great spiritual strength but because it was at its weakest and in my brokenness I saw how badly I needed Him if I were going to make it through this walk…this season of my life. And, yes, interestingly, it was a six-month walk as well. In July of that year after she died in January, I reached the point where I broke through to the other side. God is so good, so faithful, so loving, so merciful. Indescribable.
Elaine,
It is wonderful to see your picture!!! This post made me cry. I felt the same way on the other side of my own cancer journey. Although, it wasn't marked with the same list, it was my own six month journey. You've captured the 'feeling' beautifully.
Here's to the next six!! xoxo
The old saying "Time flies" just doesn't seem appropriate… but I must confess that I cannot believe it's been 6 months. I am sure your "6 months" at times crawled at a snails pace. I had a 6 months that lasted many years, and although not life threatening, it was life altering! On the other side I found a deeper more intimate relationship with our Lord. I am thankful today for you dear friend… for your witness during this journey. I look forward to many more of your beautiful posts… your pen pouring out your heart guided by the Father!
I LOVE YOU!
I am so glad that you are on this side of the six months. And like you….I am thankful that He spares us the details of what is to come.
Looking forward to what He will continue to do in your life as He continues to write the rest of this sermon. 🙂
Thanks for sharing this Elaine!
Prayers
Mary
Hello…
sumanje visit you today…
"And somewhere in the midst of all of it—the best and the worst of my everything—is a sermon (as my father likes to say) that will “preach.”
That is such a great way to see it. I'm looking forward witnessing the next chapter of your life as you come out of this one.
This six months is the mark of so many new beginnings that God has ordained for your life… I can see it coming! Without walking through the 6 month periods in our lives, we can't know just what it will mean to the rest of life. You have a new perspective, a new and deeper faith, and your knowledge of His faithfulness is going to be so incredible in the years ahead. New book… new hair… new Elaine… same Elaine, but new in the experiences that these 6 months have brought!!
You GO GIRL!!! And I love, LOVE the hair that's growing day by day. One of my friends hair grew back with curls and hers had been straight as an arrow before!! 🙂
xo
Yep…In your six months there definitely is a sermon that will “preach” — there already has been! You are an inspiration to so many. Thank you for sharing your journey. I know God has big plans for you!
Living for Him, Joan
Oh my gosh, Elaine, your next to last paragraph about the kind of God we serve speaks such a powerful message. I've been wondering lately if God is preparing me for something — what an encouragement to know that no matter what, good times or bad, He always walks with us every step of the way. Yes, sister, your six months preaches!
This gave me chills.
Your words often do…for many times they are my jumbled emotions written by your hand!
I can't wait to share this with a couple women in mind, I
know it will encourage them on in their "6 months" as it did me.
Love you, thank you for writing!! A gift..
Great post, Elaine. So glad you've made it through this six-month valley. I know God's blessings have been numerous and innumerable. I've thought of you many times, mentioning you in my prayers, and am happy to see you emerge on this side of the past six months. Bless you.
So looking forward to hearing your preach about those 6 months:) God is so amazing. So glad of the good report!
Take a look at "Don't Waste Your Cancer": both of you can preach it!
http://libbyryder.blogspot.com/
What a beautiful pouring out of your soul's surrender! Thank you for being so giving! I love how your honesty and integrity pour through your pen.
Elaine, you are more than a survivor. You are indeed a conqueror! I knew when you began this journey, you would have so much to give because of your walk of faith. You are one who never lets go of God's hand; therefore, you have so much of him to share. And, you joyfully share!
Much seed has been sown in your soul for a harvest yet to be known. How mighty that harvest will be! Your faith through great trauma is an awesome witness to me and everyone else who knows you.
I thank God for you, and I praise him for walking with you and bringing you through the darkness of your "six months."
I will continue to pray for you as you continue to heal. Love you much!
Andrea
Dear Elaine,
What a powerful, rich post. Thank you for sharing. May God continue to fill you afresh with His presence, power, and strength. You, my sweet sister, are such a beautiful display of His splendor!
Love to you~
Cindy
Following along:
Journeying with:
Carrying the burden to:
Interceding for:
Crying out:
Suffering as well:
A moment:
A lifetime:
Treasured friend:
Thankful for YOU!!!
Elaine, that second to last paragraph really ministered to me. I have a with them, through them and beyond them God. Thank You Lord. He walks the next six months with me holding my hand, and then the next six and the next six until eternity where my faith becomes sight.
Praising the Lord for all He continues to do in your life. You live Christ well.
Hugs and love,
Joy
And through that six months, you have continued to inspire, encourage, and bless us all!
This post contains a powerful message that truly does preach…it has touched me at the very core of my being. I know it will bless my brother, Jimmy, who has been through his own 6 months.
Love and prayers…
Oh Dear Elaine – I am so thankful for this post.
I was just reflecting today as I did a bible study this afternoon of the journey of "six months" I have been on, and the cycling out of it that God has me on now.
Your words, your witness, your honesty in sharing where you are at, in the good and in the bad and the in between have been such a blessing for so many people. You have modeled what it looks like to hold on, even when you don't want to!
I love you though we have never met face to face, I feel that we have met heart to heart.
May God bless you!
Heather
"Six months of sacred submission can yield a celebrated renaissance that will resonate far more clearly, far more brilliantly than had not the yielding been chosen." Did you know David and I were separated six months, and as you stated it was a sacred submission in ways that will be "preached" in days, weeks, and months to come.
Girl you have allowed us into your process and now a dear friend hold the hand of her sister who is at the front of the six month journey you have been on. Now I know how to better pray the specifics. I can do a better job understanding. You are amazing.
The soil in the valley is fertile and the mountain is on the other side.
It's hard to see our sisters walk through valleys, but there is something profoundly inspiring in seeing the ability to endure. Only by the grace of God go "I" or "you".
Glad He doesn't tell us what is ahead, we would indeed faint, but just says, "hold My hand. When you pass through the waters they wont sweep over you."
White knuckle grip. I had more like a 6 year, but closure came the 10th. My loss was so much less, and yet, the valley as dark at times.
What God does with us after the valley is a wonder to behold. You were good before, what, I wonder…glorious glory will you radiate now?…
You've certainly grown through your six months in wisdom and trust Elaine. You have encouraged us in the midst of your trials.
I'm sorry you didn't get the scholarship but I noticed RefreshMom had a suggestion. Sounds good.
Sending hugs your way,
Debbie
Hi Elaine –
I'm a childhood pal of Liza's.
I'm 12.5 yrs out from the big C,
and all the trimmings (chemo, radiation, etc.)
The body has it's own time-table.
The experience taught me a LOT.
All change came from within after that.
Now, living the organic lifestyle.
It's been a slow transition,
but so worthwhile.
There's a lot of good to come out of the pain, but I didn't see it
until several years down the path.
Keep faith – stay with the healthy path – and journal in a hard-copy journal, so you have something concrete to refer to.
=All Good and Love+
Happy
I was happy to read your post–that you have made the six months! Celebrating with you!! I know it has been a hard hard time and I am so proud of your spirit as you went through this time and still ministered to us.
I think I am in my six months still but last night was a turning point:) All I can say is God does indeed have a sense of humor:) He is so good.
Rejoicing with you!
What a journey, what a cost, what a treasure. Your faith continues to inspire and encourage your fellow pilgrims…Praises to our Awesome GOD!
Sending my love dear one~ Jess
wifeforthejourney:
No one can know the heights and depths that have come in these last six months of living – but we are blessed to have followed you through. Both near and far, your strength, your weakness, your sorrow, your joy, your suffering, your faith have been a beacon for us all.
Knowning what you have endured since your diagnosis back in August 2010, how I look forward to the days of recovery yet-to-come. Though I don't know what the Lord has planned for you, I love the fact that I will be in good company watching and waiting for your "next."
Love you,
Billy
Elaine, I have tears gushing down my cheek. You have moved me beyond belief with this post. The song that just popped into my head is "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future. And life is worth the living just because He lives."
I sang that hundreds of times as a child and teen, grabbing hold of the lyrics that would sustain me through those hard years. Can you imagine if we didn't have a living God working inside of you and me? Would we even want to live?
Rambling. Oh how grateful I am to have been on this journey with you, learning, loving, praying beside you, someone I've never even met in person yet care about so deeply.
Thank You for hanging on to Life. Thank You for never letting go of Jesus, for letting Him show himself faithful through you.
I can always count on a ready supply of real from you, Elaine. I, for one, am so grateful that you're capturing these milestones & musings. What hope they represent!
" … chosen surrender can author a glorious resurrection for the dying pilgrim." Wow. Now that's powerful, and oh-so beautiful.
My love & prayers,
Kathleen
P.S. I love the signs of spring atop your head. Those little hairs represent so, so much!
How wonderfully you have described and chronciled this season in your life. How MUCH I have identified and known of soo many of the things you described. But most importantly of all has been the witnessing of how our God has seen you through. The strengthening of your faith has strengthened mine as well. The knowing of the work He will do in you now. The excitment of seeing what that might be. Those 6 monthd in your life WILL preach, and already have!! Much love to you, Debbie
It's been a privilege walking with you, reading every chapter of your life, the past seven months or so. I say that again, it's been a privilege, an honor… to be an "eyewitness" of the making and the shaping of a woman of faith.
Sometimes I feel like it's more than what I deserve…to actually partner with God in what He's doing in your life through the prayers I've offered for you.
But then again, this is what kingdom living is all about. We're all in it together, and we all serve a great King.
I'm looking forward to the next six months.
Thank you too, dear Elaine for your frequent visits to my blog. For what you have given to the growth of our blog friendship. I treasure you, I want you to know that.
Thank you for praying for me and my family last weekend. You are often in my prayers, you know that.
Keeping you close,
Lidj
This has been six months of you sharing your heart in ways that are unimaginable. Six months of heart journey and love sent your way. Elaine, you are amazing. I love you, lady.
You are a testimony to us Elaine as you have shared your journey. Your life preached long before the 'six months' and will long after. I am thankful the 'six months' are behind you and look forward to hear the sermon from the road ahead. Preach it sister! B
Hey Darling!
I was reading in my Bible Study about sometimes we go through things so that others can witness how we walk through it with our Lord. You are being watched! And thank you for sharing your life so transparently. Bringing me more understanding and hope!
Okay, friends of Elaine… I am officially starting a scholarship fund for Elaine to go to this conference. I am not sure of the logistics of how to do it. So, e-mail me at [email protected] if you are interested.
It is $595 if we pay in full before 4/15. If we each give a little…
I've been an on-again off-again blogger.
And an on-again off-again friend.
But you are often on mind, always in my heart, and many times in my prayers.
I truly treasure your friendship.
Love and sweet dreams,
Deb
6 months. Wow Elaine. You have walked an amazing journey, and been such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Blessings my friend
Elaine, thank you so much for sharing a word I really needed to hear.
Praying your next six months will full of sweet surprises.
Love you beautiful sister, LeeBird
Friend, so happy you are on the other side of those six months. Your journey has been watched by many. Praying the Lord will give you tender glimpses of the lives that have been changed along the way.
It's amazing isn't it, that "six months of surrender" can seem like such a long and arduous journey and yet when you've reached the other side what that period can teach us about ourselves and our Faith. I believe you're correct in that we all face times of necessary surrender to gain that healing, and that those lessons gained from that experience can be life-changing if we let them be.
I'm so happy that you've come to that other side of the mountain Elaine, and can look back and reflect on your "six months" and gain that perspective on the new life underneath the soil.
I pray for your continued healing, and His continued Blessings on you and your family.
Have a Blessed Day!
Not only will it preach, it will sing!
I'd be honored to write a song for you sometime.
Amen………continuing to pray for you, Elaine!
Hi Elaine, I was thinking of you today, "elaine, peace for the journey". I then noticed I am wearing my grey t-shirt, it's got velvety pink dove on it and velvety flowery patterns in the dove and around it… the dove's got a ribbon on its wings for breast cancer awareness and its got the word under it, "SOAR".
I was thinking what scripture to share with you to encourage you, and I remember this recent verse that I saw some days ago..
…the darkness is past, and the true light now shineth. (1 John 2:8b)
🙂
How in the world did all this time go by, and our paths have not crossed until today????? This is my first visit to your blog — needless to say, it will NOT be my last. My heart (and eyes) just wept as I read your post today. You see, I walked the exact same journey. It's been two years now since I was asked to "surrender" those six months of my life. If I had known what that pathway held, I'm not sure I would have walked through those doors into the cancer center. But I did. And I found out for real that He never leaves or forsakes. Your list took me back into my memories. It was sooooo hard, but I did learn that the God of the Mountain is also the God of the Valleys. Your picture is so precious! I remember when my hair started to come back and feeling that life was starting anew and that, for real, I wasn't going to die through this awful treatment! I'm so glad I stopped by today. I'm adding you to my prayer list and looking forward to getting to know you better! Thank you for your testimony of faith and your courage to be honest!!!!
I just love you, Elaine~ and praise God for you and your life and your words! Praying still~
Jennifer
your life preaches in every season. thank you, elaine.
I lost my mom 6 months ago. I've been away from blogland for quite some time. I'm praying for you right after I hit "publish". I'm SO grateful that you've shared this journey. A lot can happen in 6 months!
Blessings to you, Elaine!
Angie xoxo
I always read your posts but don't always comment. What can I possibly add that 50 people haven't already said? So I will just leave a scripture today that seems appropriate. I thought of it as soon as I read this post. "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31. I memorized this as a child and it has blessed me and given me courage through many years and many tears. You have also blessed me Elaine and given me courage to face my tomorrows, whatever they may hold.
You're so right on in this word of encouragement, Elaine. At first I thought…nine months would be more realistic. Like a pregnancy. Going through the pain and inconvenience of the first stages of the birthing process.
But six months…Six is the number of man. Could it be that man is subject to these trials, these inconveniences, these pains. But seven is the number of God. So going from six to seven – from the things of man to the things of God. This makes perfect sense…
Elaine,
Your life BEAUTIFULLY preaches of God's amazing, stubborn, transcendent love. He must be so proud of you!
Many blessings,
Susan
I just read you comment on Sonja's blog _"faith and feelings, that delicate dance in all our hearts" – and thought it was beuartiful and more importantly – TRUE!
God bless you – Marsha
Jimmy and I have lived 22 years of "preaching" with our daughter's Autism, nothing like what you are going through however. May the Lord strengthen, guard, and guide your path from here on out. He has a wonderful plan for you. May it be blessed.