I have a confession to make… an honest, writer’s confession to bring to the table before one thought is brought to you this morning:
I have a lot I want to say; I just don’t have the words to say it.
They got lost somewhere in the middle of my night… somewhere between my Percocet and my pain, reminding me, yet again, that there isn’t a perfect guidebook regarding how this “thing” is going to go—how this cancer is going to unfold for me on a personal level. I’m five days post-op; still and yet, it doesn’t seem real. Instead, it seems as if I’m standing on the outer edges of my life looking in. As if I’m on the perimeter watching the drama unfold while others are meandering in and out of the scenes of my life with little notice of my side-line status.
I am the lead participant in my cancer, and yet I seem to prefer the shadows of it all—the “behind the scenes,” balcony approach to living it. To watching from the director’s chair, yet knowing that what is required of me is my “down below”—the getting my hands dirty and being willing to engage with every angle of the drama. And it’s frustrating… exceedingly frustrating because today all I want to do is to crawl away from it and live differently. Today I want to live without the reality of:
Drain tubes to empty.
Pain to manage.
Body odor to disguise.
Expectations to meet.
Uncertainties to ponder.
Decisions to be made.
The emotions of others with which to contend.
Today, I want a different option on the table… one that doesn’t require so much of me. One that is content to let me “sit this one out” while others do the hard work of recovery.
I imagine that there are a few of you who understand these feelings… those of you who, for whatever reasons, are living the harsh ramifications of your current realities. Those of you who, like me, want to crawl away from your “disease” and live with your pain in isolation. You may not be living with a diagnosis of cancer, but there are other malignancies that are eating away at your flesh—your heart, mind, and soul. What is happening to you on your “inside” is far worse than what is eating away at your exterior, and you’d like another option on your table for consideration.
I understand. I also realize that with each malignancy comes hard work. There is no “sitting this one out” where cancer is concerned. A life diagnosed (whether with cancer or with a less-clarified disease of the heart) is a life thrust into the limelight, and for our scenes to end with understanding, you and I must be willing to take to the stage, to read our lines through, and to act our part. We must fully live our stories and allow our stories to fully live through us. Should we live otherwise, then we live less. We finish with less.
Less understanding. Less joy. Less faith. Less laughter. Less hope. Less peace.
An outer-edge approach to today’s living isn’t in keeping with God’s perspective. Certainly, there will be seasons when we need to pull back, to investigate our heart’s pulse, and to assess our personal level of involvement with the day’s activities. Today is one of those days for me. But when it comes to assigning our “diagnosis” to someone seemingly more qualified—to relinquishing the hard work that has been entrusted to us to someone else’s guardianship—we must proceed carefully, deliberately, and full of caution. Why?
Because there are some diagnoses that best belong to each one of us. Some that we will be better able to live and breathe and have victory over than others. What’s eating you may not be what’s eating me, but I imagine that the contingencies of your particular disease are better handled by you than me. And maybe, just maybe, drain tubes are more in keeping with what I’m better able to handle today than you.
We are, each one, the lead participant in our stories. No one lives you better than you. No one lives me better than me. And I’m just thinking (perhaps not as coherently as I would like) that maybe the kingdom would be best served by our willingness to live within those personal boundaries rather than wishing for someone else’s. That maybe what happens in you and through you today (because of God’s grace and only his grace) will far exceed what could happen in me and through me should I be allowed a similar walk in your shoes.
Maybe.
Who can fathom the depths of our Father’s wisdom? The breadth of his understanding? The willingness of his heart to entrust his children with so much? This is a mysterious path of generous grace we’re traveling, and while I may not want to live with the reality of my cancer today, I want to live today with the reality of God’s generous grace. That’s the only option on the table worthy of any trade I might make. The only option capable of generating enough kingdom perspective in me so that I might willingly embrace my story—
Cancer and all.
Keep to it, friends. Keep to your story of grace, your malignancies, God’s diagnoses therein, and his healing. It’s likely to “wear” a little worse before it wears better, but in the end, you won’t have to wonder if the hard work was worth it. On the backside of your healing, you will live the fruition of your front-side investment, and it will live excellently. Live perfectly. Live in accordance with a kingdom joy and beauty that far exceeds what your mind and heart can currently conceive. As always…
Peace for the journey,
I don't know what to say other than "WOW"!! You are an amazing woman that encourages me to be better at being "me".
I will continue to pray for you as you work your way through this journey.
Love you!
No matter what, our lives are amazing journeys, even with cancer. I, too, am grateful for God's grace in my life, all the time, every day, each moment.
Been there, sweetie – and you have said what I could never say quite as the Lord guided you to. Praying for you, my dear Elaine.
You speak so honestly and I am humbled. I live the life of a caregiver to an ill husband – and there are times I gripe to God – in recent days He has reminded me of this season and my purpose in it all. To fulfill and be the best me through whatever journey God has placed me on is His ultimate purpose!
Thank you for your honesty and thank you for the reminders of living out our 'life' whatever that may be for His glory!
Here's to victory! And peace for the journey. To quote you in both. You are loved and cherished.
Lori hit it on the nail! You are an amazing woman of God!
The Holy Spirit is already using your journey to speak God's truth! And, oh, you have spoken so graciously and richly!
Praying for you, and expecting many good things to come! I know the Lord is near you and in you as you walk through every process of pain.
Much Love,
Andrea
Elaine, you said: "I want to live today with the reality of God’s generous grace."
Me too! Praise God! Thank You Father for using Elaine to share Your truths with all of us. In Jesus' name, amen.
Have mercy, dear friend…one of your most personally impacting offerings to date…percocet and all. You continually challenge me to live and walk my path in the reality of God's abundant and overwhelming grace. Thank you for sharing so honestly from the depths of your heart. Praising God for you and lifting you often. We are all the better for your influence on our hearts and lives.
Love you,
Tracy
What an honest, raw and beautiful post….I too say WOW…..praying you have less pain today…
I can't begin to express how much I identify with this post and with your feelings and thoughts. And you have said it all soo well. How wonderfully you write. I'd love to tell you that as I am soo much further ahead of you on this particular road that things have become clearer to me and I don't still share some of these feelings, and yet I am still figuring it all out day to day and find myself "surprised" somehow that any of it really even happened. How many times did I think to myself at your point, if I could just take these drains out for a few hours and sleep without being careful how I roll around or clear my head and body of the pain meds just for a few hours, I could go back to it and move on. But of course it is just does not happen that way. There is soo much to deal with and all of it happens no matter what you are thinking. Watching myself go through motions was a good way to describe it. Still is to a degree as it is still not totally healed and unswollen. And yet the Lord has been soo faithful and soo constant and worked details out for me soo much more than what I deserve. My relationship with Him has been strengthened and refined. Praying your recovery continues to go well, and thanking Him that you are soo able to bless others through it all. Blessings to you, Debbie
I tell you what an inspiration you are to so many…not to burden you with yet another thing. More to assure you that even in your percoset haze you provide thoughtful, REAL emotions that we can identify with. You're right, that there are so many different diseases that affect each of us. For me, it was emotional & verbal abuse in my marriage. But God delivered me thru it. And I've since found out just how many women who view me as one of the strongest people they know for what they witnessed me evolve from, thru the Lord's grace. You REACH us…all! I'm sorry you're having to travel this path, but there is much you are teaching many along this journey! Continuing prayers ~ Merana
Seems like you found some pretty good words to share. Beautiful, inspiring words of grace and strength. Still praying. Love you.
Every word since your diagnosis are chapters of the book He is writing in you… words which I have NO doubt will be shared in a real book one day.
You do amaze me Elaine… your honesty and piercing truth just gets my heart!
Thank you sweet friend, and the prayers for each day continue.
Hugs!
Sonja
"On the backside of your healing, you will live the fruition of your front-side investment, and it will live excellently." No pasted-on "keep smiling" here! Instead only refiner's shine.
You are on an amazing journey my friend. You are full of Gods Grace and you are sharing with all the world. Praise the Lord, he is working through you even now to all of us in blogland. We love you! We appreciate your honesty and humbleness to share with us your deepest thoughts. May each day be your best day. Love you!
Hi Elaine, What an incredibly powerful post, relevant to each of us. I love the sentence …"living in the reality of God's generous grace." Each of us should be walking in this.
The Lord is going to use your testimony for His kingdom and glory; thank you for sharing.
Gentle hugs and blessings,
Noreen
You are so precious, so amazing, and I am so blessed to call you friend. Love you!!
The percocet doesn't seem to dull your ability to pen the word down in your usual wonderful style Elaine! 🙂 I think the thing that stood out to me the most was when you said this: "maybe the kingdom would be best served by our willingness to live within those personal boundaries rather than wishing for someone else’s. "
Much for us to "chew on" for sure!
Love you Elaine.
Marilyn…in Mississippi
It's not who I am, or where I am at, rather what He is and who He is, thats the ALL. Thank you beautiful friend for clearing the blur in this moment of my day! Hugs to your real raw grace filled heart!
Once again I am amazed at your "strength" that exudes from your words….
I do not know that I could be as strong in times like you're going through…I've never had to face it, and hope I never will, but if ever, I would hope I could be strong like you….
~Beth
Thanks for sharing "where you are" right now, Elaine. Love how you are encouraging us to keep to it even while you need that encouragement yourself. Sending a hug and praying that God will surround you with His love and care. So good to hear from you today — here and on my blog as well. Praying for you!
Just dropping by to let you know I have been praying for you. Already 5 days..Wow! I know it may not seem like it, but those days went fast for me.
Know that you are on my heart daily.
You remain much in my prayers. I think I shared with you that our youth pastor's wife, who is 40ish, is on the other side of what you are now experiencing. You may or may not want to visit her blog about her journey with breast cancer. I'll leave that to you. Here is the link:
http://kristas-journey.blogspot.com/
Leah
Hey, send me some of those Percocet, would ya? WOW, Elaine. If this is writing while under the influence…
Come to think of it, it IS. You've written this based upon God's influence, and the influence of the physical and emotional malignancies you are experiencing in your life.
I am challenged by your words of wisdom, friend. I'm not so sure I have dealt with the "malignancies" in my life with the same grace, dignity, and peace as you have.
May we all "keep to it" in the days ahead. These words are my goal…
"Live perfectly. Live in accordance with a kingdom joy and beauty that far exceeds what your mind and heart can currently conceive."
I agree with what's already been said. This is one of your best posts to date.
Love and prayers…
Well the percocet hasn't marred your ability to write my friend. You continue to amaze me and awe me with your thoughts, your messages. It made me think of Ps 84:5 "Blessed is the man whose strength is in You, whose heart is set on pilgrimage".
I continue to pray His blessings on your healing and on your family as a whole.
Believing Him~Pamela
At the heart of every impactful life is genuine, unadulterated, undisguised authenticity. It's your way, Elaine; so even in this unpleasant place, you're managing to live out-loud – and to the Father's glory.
I like what Sonya said about this being a "chapter of the book He's writing in you." I think she's onto something …
In the meantime, you are never far from my thoughts. I can only imagine the demands that summon your attention; but I so appreciate the generous grace that sustains you there.
Love you,
Kathleen
I can't possibly add a thing to what you've shared today. Thanks, and I'm shutting the light out now. You amaze me.
Elaine – so glad you are feeling well enough to hit the keys! Your words here have caused a lot of pause for me today… And knowing where you are writing them from gives even more authenticity to their truth.
I am praying for you, dear one.
Add one more sister to the amazed list….
Oh, Elaine. I've only been reading you hardly more than a week but God has knitted you in my heart and I love Him and praise Him for you!!
With love and holy hugs,
Kat. . .
Elaine,
Wow! You have always eloquently penned what most of us feel and gracefully portrayed our awesome God, but today you have taken us a step further in our knowing and understanding. Of Him and of ourselves.
I have walked a similar walk and understand a bit of your mindset. Keep writing, Elaine. You have no idea the power of your words.
Praying for you!
His Grace and your Peace are like hands linked together strolling along the path of life. You never see one without the other. Together. Forever.
Lord remind Elaine you have begun the healing. Use the drains, meds and all the stuff needed to accomplish this like instruments in your hand. Strengthen her heart. May we encourage her as she shares glimpses of her journey with us. Thank you Lord for the good plans you have for Elaine. We know she's your girl. We love you Jesus and all of us are in desperate need of your grace. Sometimes we are more aware of our need than others. Forgive us for taking your grace for granted. Thank you for loving us. In your name Lord we pray, amen. B
Your words, your heart speaks LIFE…life in CHRIST. I love you deeply and we are praying on this side for you and your family.
You are very special to my heart my friend.
wifeforthejourney:
While I think everyone would understand if your writing were to turn completely in on itself for a season, you are not even a little bit self-absorbed. It makes what you have to say all the more genuine and remarkable.
So you offer us all a gift today by taking your story and making it relevant to all your readers.
What "malignancies" do we all have? That is a question that we cannot ignore, no matter our current state of health. Psalm 51 comes to mind…
Love you,
Billy
"On the backside of your healing, you will live the fruition of your front-side investment, and it will live excellently. Live perfectly. Live in accordance with a kingdom joy and beauty that far exceeds what your mind and heart can currently conceive."
…says it ALL!!
Blessings my friend, Stephanie
"On the backside of your healing, you will live the fruition of your front-side investment, and it will live excellently. Live perfectly. Live in accordance with a kingdom joy and beauty that far exceeds what your mind and heart can currently conceive."
…says it ALL!!
Blessings my friend, Stephanie
Just want you to know I'm praying for you.
Love you bunches!
Sweet dreams.
Keep your eyes looking up. He will continue to see you through this. As huge as this is, He has not given you more than you can bear because He's carrying you through this painful, physically, mentally and emotionally draining season. Tears may flow now, but joy will come in the morning.
Praying for you every day.
You are loved.
Elaine, what a powerful message to all of us – cancer of the body or cancer of the soul. We are all in need of His generous grace.
Thank you so much for sharing from your heart and sharing your journey with us.
Love & peace,
<>< Iris
Your words touch the deepest parts of my heart. Thank you for sharing even while you are recovering. I'm praying for you..
love and gentle hugs
t
Seems you've got a pretty good seat up there in your "balcony"! Writing from THAT view in addition to the ground level results in a rich and wise narrative. I'm guessing that you are finding it to be a three-dimensional narrative — lived, written/spoken and prayed.
My prayers continue for you!
Dear Elaine…… Each and every word of this post SPEAKS of honesty and pureness of heart! A heart that is beating in cadence with His. I echo Sonja…..You are now penning the chapters of a book birthed from the heart of God…..A book that will bring healing, peace, encouragement and direction to so many! Write on, dear sister!
Praying for you, sweet friend!
HS IS FAITHFUL!!
Love!
Jackie
You continue to bless and inpsire me, Elaine!
Love you friend!
Still praying…
Elaine,
I understand what you mean about being in the side-lines watching… During my daughter's recent open-heart surgery, I felt like that. I know I wasn't the one undergoing the operation, but my daughter was. It was all so surreal…so unimaginable. I never thought something like that would happen. (but like you said…why not?) But, God is so good! Even through the strangeness of it all, He was there..and He still is. I'm praising God for His healing hand on your life! And also on my daughters =) You are an inspiration!
Elaine,
There are no need for words on my part but to say that these tears rolling down my cheeks – are because of His great work in you – even in this season of your life. Your heart speaks volumes. Your words are very clear. God's Grace is sufficient!
Live in His PEACE – Rest in His LOVE. What an amazing vessel He is molding from your life….
Much Love and prayers,
Patrina <")>><
I am praying for you. And as always you share it all and take cancer and turn it into what each of us can relate to. I was given my diagnosis three years ago on August 29, 2007 when my husband lost his job. I wanted someone else to take it on–not me. But we walk our own journey and the good news is I am still walking it with Jesus by my side. You have been a huge part of that journey with me and I pray I can be part of yours.
You are and always have been, since I've met you in blogland, an encouragement and inspiration.
You are walking this amazing journey as you always have, with "Peace" right along side of you and living through you.
God bless you as you continue on your path to recovery. Donna
This is beautiful, Elaine.
No extra words are needed.
With this new season that is upon you, you are becoming more beautiful, and God is truly honored in your life.
A generous grace, indeed that is what you have given to all of us.
You are loved and appreciated.
Love
Lidj
"I imagine that there are a few of you who understand these feelings… those of you who, for whatever reasons, are living the harsh ramifications of your current realities. Those of you who, like me, want to crawl away from your “disease” and live with your pain in isolation. You may not be living with a diagnosis of cancer, but there are other malignancies that are eating away at your flesh—your heart, mind, and soul. What is happening to you on your “inside” is far worse than what is eating away at your exterior, and you’d like another option on your table for consideration."
WOW! I just shared that paragraph with a friend. The Lord is using you Elaine…never doubt that…and thank you for sharing your life so openly.
Love ya girl,
Joy