There is an ugly side to me… two really. One brought about through sin; one brought about through cancer. One remains more veiled—my heart. One exposed for the entire world to see—my flesh. And tonight I hold a candle to them both, and I don’t like what I see.
The ugly me.
Tonight I see anger, frustration, and confusion building up inside my mind, layer upon layer—an indistinguishable conglomeration of yuck not easily identified. I cannot connect the dots to all that I am feeling. There’s an unveiling of a something, and it’s not pretty. It’s hostile and visceral, filled with enough tension to keep everyone around me on edge.
In regards to the other ugly—my flesh—I see a misshapen form of what I used to be. A large scar runs across my chest wall, still inflamed with red and reminders of what was once there only five months ago. I’m bald and I’m fat… thirty pounds heavier from my five months ago. My nails are brittle and yellowed, ready to make their departure at any moment, and my clothes? Well, they’ve gone into hibernation; sweats, t-shirts and duster robes are common fare.
And I’m tired of it all; tired from the inside-out, and wondering if such honest confession of the soul is allowed in this public place. If I can be so real as to tell you that cancer has an ugly side to it. For all the ways it has given back to me, there are a few ways it has exacted its toll on me. And while I wouldn’t turn back the clock and have things live differently, tonight I simply wish it was over. That the ugly parts of me, both inside and out, were no longer, and that I could once again be the woman that I was… five months ago.
~That I could still run.
~That I could sleep on my right side, minus the discomfort of the port.
~That I could have energy enough to get up early and live a busy day and be thankful for the activity.
~That I could take a tub bath without needing help to get out.
~That I could confidently show affection to my husband.
~That I could think, write, and speak clearly the first time around without having to second-guess myself.
~That understanding was my portion rather than confusion.
~That worry would keep her silence.
~That faith would speak her voice.
I know this won’t last… all my “thats”. In time, I’ll get a handle on my concerns. God will replace my frustrations with his peace, his truth, and his hope for my future. He can’t help himself. His character precludes his absence from my pain. He appropriately interrupts my issues with the beauty of his witness, reminding me that for all of the ugly I currently see, a cross was given as the remedy. That what is seen is not always what is true. That sometimes life’s accumulated layers need the benefit an amazing grace that not only salves a wounded heart but that correctly frames the broken fragments together to make a portrait worthy of the throne room of heaven.
Every now and again, I glimpse that beauty, and I am grateful for the reminder. But tonight, what I see in the mirror isn’t easily salved by a few words of well-spoken faith… my faith. Tonight requires something far greater—a faith that holds despite the human condition. The “sure and certain” of those mentioned in Hebrews 11. A settled confidence in the King and his promises.
Friends, faith is where I want to live… all the time. But faith, unchallenged by unsettling times, never anchors at its deepest level. Faith uncontested by adversity simply resides at the surface of the human heart. Mind you, it is enough to carry you home to Jesus; not all of us require a rigorous workout along these lines. And I suppose, on nights like tonight, I’d enjoy a float on the surface of my faith. But that’s not what I’ve been allowed.
Instead, I’ve been allowed a deeper dig into the coffers of what I profess to believe. I get the Refiner’s fire, and I don’t mind telling you it hurts; it burns. It purges and it cleanses. And all I can do is surrender to the heat, hoping that the ugly in me gets gone and that God’s beauty in me returns, from the inside-out.
Oh to be entrusted with the process. To live in the flesh, all the while being transformed by faith. It is a weighty condition, perhaps the reason so many forego the invitation to salvation. Living with ugly is sometimes an easier load to carry than lighting a match to one’s heart. But without the flames of Calvary’s love, we are left as we are… unfinished.
I don’t want to get home to Jesus unfinished. I want to get there complete. Accordingly, I look into the mirror this night. I shed some tears for the undoing of my heart and my flesh, and I confess to my Father (and to you), the ugly side of me. And I pray for healing, for understanding, and for faith enough that will carry me through to the other side.
Cancer is ugly, friends. In its wake, it can leave a soul ugly. But God, in his wake, can take the ugly and transform it into holy understanding, which breathes a beauty all its own. A beauty that moves a soul from despair to celebration. From unbelief to strong conviction. From being tired of it all to being transformed because of it all. And that is what I’m praying for tonight… my ugly made into God’s beauty.
Even so, come Lord Jesus, and interrupt my ugly with the witness and truth of your beloved cross. I long to move past the seen and visible in order to embrace the unseen depths of a living, anchored, and vital faith. You, alone, are the restorer of my flesh and heart. Come and liberally apply your grace to every fragmented layer of my life, and give me the settled confidence regarding who you ARE and in your love for me. Amen.
Elaine, I'm so glad you feel free to share the ugly with us. We may not have experienced every aspect of the ugly you're currently struggling with, but believe me, we all have our ugly sides, too — our feelings and struggles that need to be acknowledged and poured out to the Lover of our souls and even to the friends who will love and support us through thick and thin. May our prayers buoy you as He sees you through! I hope you feel my hug across the miles tonight, my friend.
Friend, spit out the ugly and share it all with us. We'll still be here right alongside you as I know there will be many God moments He's entrusted to you. And then there's the reality of the cancer. So lay it all out there and let us pray you through it all.
I do remember when you were running miles. So, it must be very frustrating. But you are impacting people you probably never would have reached because of the cancer. In your weakness, He is strong.
Thinking of you and praying for you,
Debbie
Dear Elaine,
You have expressed your feelings very well here. It moved me, and I understand your struggle tonight.
When I was reading, my thoughts and inner vision saw Daniel sitting in the Lions Den!
Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you…not as the world leaves"…and that is Peace by Faith!
Elaine,
I just came here tonight – I can't even remember how I got here, to tell you the truth. But I'm here…
And I am almost speechless. What an amazing story you are sharing with us. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. You know, I don't even think it's fair to label it ugly – it's just REAL, Elaine – real pain, real hurt, real loneliness.
I am a new voice of support – but I want you to know that you will be in my prayers, and I will be here to share in your journey. Your honest vulnerability has touched me – and it is your wounded heart that has pointed the way to our Savior's feet.
How He loves us, even in the midst of terrible ugliness –
GOD BLESS!
Elaine, You are so honest with yourself and with others. You are beautiful from the inside out, over 5 months ago and NOW. You are such a ministry to others. What you are feeling is real and it stinks. Know that we love you very much and are praying for you.
Always inspired by what you say…I agree with Sharon, it's not "ugly", per se…it's real. Life…in all its twists and turns, and different for each one of us. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.
Praying for you Elaine…
~Beth
Thanks for sharing your heart, Elaine. You may always do that and I am grateful for God's grace that is more real. Praying for you and trusting that there is an end soon to this season. Much love!
I may not be the best at walking this through, but you are my wifeforthejourney. I'm praying for you this morning and for all the things near and far in our lives. See you at noon!
Love,
Billy
Oh Elaine I just couldn't understad better. I feel like I too have been in a cloud (at times) of "ugly" for months now. I have to go back at little further than you ~ back to when the arthritis didn't give me enough pain that I could actually DO the things I want to do. But I am still finding myself sitting around soo much of the time through necessity and getting fatter and fatter and slower and slower. I HATE having to have people DO things for me i should be doing…I HATE needing a handicapped sticker on my car, I HATE having to concentrare when I sleep so that I don't twist my knees in positionms that make movement in the morning almost unbearble….I HATE feeling soo much older than I am. My scars from the mastectomies are STILL not quite right, and I STILL have blood clots. And it all brings out UGLY emotions and thoughts and at times behavior as well. My oncologist office called yesterday and I have a check up coming up in a couple of weeks, reminding me it is NOT over. You have been through sooo much more than I have that I truly marvel at how well you are doing! Your tremendous faith and walk with the Lord has been such a testimomy to all you share it with I could never properly express it. You have inspired and encouraged me more than you could ever know, and how grateful I am. One thing I have learned through all of this is that He REALLY does understand our humaness and fraility. He understands how our emotions are soo often times controlled by the way we are feeling physically. Afterall, He made us this way. And your also right, the bad moments, and the "ugly" times do pass….and we experience the depth of His peace and His grace. For me it has been a deeper appreciation of His power when He manages to get everything back in the box (so to speak) for me. A further strengthening of my faith. Let the ugly out. We are all still right here for you. I pray for you everyday and I will continue on. and for now a little more specifically. Much love to you Elaine, Debbie
Oh, Elaine. Praying for you, and blessing you for sharing this so real part of your life. It WILL make a difference–and in fact already has.
Yes, LORD! That's all I can say, LORD! Yes, to YOU. Amen!
I know it is small comfort, but everything you are experiencing is very normal for a walk through cancer and chemo. To everything there is a season…you will return again…a better, stronger in your faith Elaine. You will use these trials to help others going through the same. You will look back and see the footprints of God all over this journey.
Please do not think I am being flippant. I AM NOT. I have seen firsthand what a difficult journey this is, but I also see from my friends who have walked it before you that 'this too, shall pass'.
Bless you for your honesty and transparency. God esteems it.
Leah
I have to confess I'm relieved to read this post because of your honesty. I'm not happy that you are going through any of this…not by any measure. I just appreciate that you are willing to share the dark side of all this and it helps me know how to pray for you more specifically.
Oh how I understand part of your "ugly".
I am glad you feel you can share this…this openness…the realness….it is what many can understand. I struggle to put out there what I am going through because I wonder if others really don't want to hear it. I myself don't really want to hear it….so ready to be over this part of the journey. BUT…I know…if I continue to allow Him to work through this time….Beauty is coming. I KNOW He brings beauty from ashes IF I allow it.(Preaching and reminding myself of this often) 🙂
I have seen the ugly that can happen with cancer…..that getting stuck in regrets and anger.
It is a choice.
I am confident in this one thing…that He that began a good work in you..HE will complete it.
Each with our own battles….and yet somehow I know that He will receive great glory through our journeys. 🙂 In that I rest.
Love you sister
Yes, Elaine. Confession is good for the soul! Your "honest confession of the soul…in this public place" will help you and help others who are also experiencing this sort of frustration and pain. My dad was just diagnosed with cancer and today he finds out his treatment plan. Because of his age, he won't have Chemo…but they are talking another surgery and then radiation. I don't know what to expect. Reading your journey helps. Thank you, Elaine. I am continuing to pray for strength for you!!
Love and blessings, Joan
Elaine, your honesty is a blessing. I'm SO sorry and I am praying for you right now…
jennifer
Elaine:
I'm sure you have no idea what this blog will mean to so many who are in or will be in this very place. This is a treasure!
The honesty you've shared should be in a textbook for all to read, and maybe it will be!
I simply can't imagine going through this journey you are on, and NOT having these thoughts and feelings. And as you always connect the dots… you already know that God is big enough and has Elaine and Judith and all the others closely held in His hands and heart.
Thank you for letting it all hang out, we need to hear that… I need to hear that.
Love you!
Precious Elaine,
May we be a covering for your ugly side today, because we ALL can relate.
The areas of hurt and disappointment, the physical and emotional pain and the unmet expectations that grieve our spirits to the core and cause us to wish for better, healthier days, take such a toll!
But GOD.
He has allowed us to share in the sufferings of CHRIST and to understand what a privilege that is. And the HOPE of Glory that continually woos us to a peace and joy that the world can not give us.
Keep on keeping on and thank you for being so "REAL."
We will get to our destination at the appointed time and each scar will bring HIM GLORY.
I love you friend, Jess
I don't know what the video part was about, for i couldn't get it to come up, but I do know that this post blessed me. God is using you in a mighty way right now.
I have a father-in-law and dear friend both facing your chemo struggles right now. Keeping up with you allows me to help them in a more understanding way.
Also, the truth is, friend, we all have an "ugly side." It is only by God's grace that we half way look like a swan at times. Something that even when healthy we take forgranted.
I think you are beautiful.
You are blessed when you reach the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule. Matt. 5:3 MSG
Love to you, my friend…you look beautiful to us because you look more and more like your Jesus!! Where we decrease He increases 🙂 Thank you for your honesty. I am praying for you today.
I too, love your honesty and openness sweet friend. As another comment read, it helps us to know how to better pray for you.
You may not have been running in a while, but I am running for you! Each time I head out that door, you are on my heart! I pour it out for you to Him who knows us best of all. You WILL be lacing up those shoes and running again…in His perfect timimg. In the meantime, I'll be your feet. I love you!
Hugs!
Susan
Your honesty will do more to help people, and yourself, than any other words could do. What you are facing is ugly, and you have been facing it with beauty and grace….you are allowed some ugly now and then!
"But faith, unchallenged by unsettling times, never anchors at its deepest level. Faith uncontested by adversity simply resides at the surface of the human heart."
You, Elaine, are living far beyond the surface, and your faith continues to convict me, and to encourage me. Your honesty is just another blessing.
I'm praying for you and your family.
Cancer is ugly. Nothing good came to us from our son having and dying from cancer.
From the diagnosis, I determined to be spread the aroma of Christ in spite of cancer. And a year and a few weeks out from Andrew's home going, I have refused to let cancer have the last word. In spite of it, we go on and our faith endures. Sometimes life just gets a little ugly. But one day all will be made bright and beautiful and I look forward to THAT day EVERY day.
For now the best any of us can do is to be honest with ourselves and God. He already sees our heart anyway. And many times our honesty allows others to express their own vulnerabilities and ugly places.
Dear Elaine, sharing your 'ugly' with me only makes you more BEAUTIFUL to me!
Love and hugs,
Kathie
Elaine, thank you for sharing this with us. So many times most of us, as Christians, take each day, each step, each breath for granted. It's only through trials that we actually see and acknowledge those things given to us by God. Self pity and complacency has taken the place of thankfulness and a willingness to do all that God instructs us to do. For some folks, our 'ugly side' never leaves as it is self-induced. I'll be praying that your struggles are soon over and your 'ugly side' has an update of God's healing and the many blessings He poured out on you throughout the process.
Elaine, Praying for you still…trusting GOD fully to continue to pour out all that you need during this season and that of your family.
He's not just walking with you, He's walking before you.
Blessings and peace!
Hard to read but I feel blessed to be able to see the inner feelings of your heart! I can't imagine much of the pain you are facing every day and every night. And I am sorry in my flesh that you are having to endure this. But I know…I can see in your writings…that God is doing a great and mighty work in your life! Your words just get better and better and deeper and deeper. Another book or Bible study is waiting for you to write on the other side of this!
God bless you greatly!!
Marilyn
Oh, friend, my heart aches to be with you…especially while you are going through such a difficult time.
Everyone has left such touching, eloquent comments. I don't know that I could add anything to what they have already said other than a hearty AMEN.
I haven't been through what you're going through. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and frustration you are feeling. What I do know is this…you are a beautiful, strong woman of God! You might not feel that way at the moment, but you have a firm foundation in Him. You have remained rooted in His Word. God is with you and will remain with you every step of this journey. Hold on to His unfailing hand.
Love you dearly…
You are B E A U T I F U L !!!
Thank you dear servant of the MOST HIGH! You share words that bless.
I'm praying you feel better as you heal. You're winning! I know you are!
Elaine-
I agree with Sonja-THIS POST IS A TREASURE.
It made my heart feel like it was going to burst, you put into words what cancer does to us so beautifully. I FELT every word. I hate that you understand the emotions I feel, because that means you have this horrible disease, but to have another lover of God who knows, and lets us into her thoughts and heart–it is a gift.
I'm so glad to know you and I ditto what you wrote on my page today– YOU are a good sister to share this journey with! I am so glad I have "met" you.
Oh my heart hurts for you. It is easy for me to say God made you and you are beautiful to Him but the truth of the matter is we women want to feel beautiful to ourselves as well. And it hurts when we don't look in the mirror and find redeeming features. It's easy to say they will return, because that's the truth. But that's not now. And now is what hurts. It's easy to say this will get better, because it will. But you need better now. Your struggles are real and they are painful and they are hard. I pray that God's grace surrounds you right this very minute and grants you peace. I pray that God's love is made manifest in such a way that you laugh out loud when you see it or hear it. I pray that this time will pass quickly and you will again be who you are in your own eyes. blessings, marlene
What else can I say but that my heart hurts for you, and it makes me love you more to have you write to us so openly and honestly. Yes, this is a place to be this transparent… we love you, and we are praying for you.
There is something in you that I can see that keep you walking forward, even though you are tired and in pain and the "ugly" is there. Something in you that causes you to persevere.
Hang in there sweet friend, God's got you in His hands, and He won't let go.
Love you,
heather
Elaine, I'm a friend of Amy's… She posted your journal on her Facebook. Your words are pure and real. They sound like a modern day Psalm. Thank you for for sharing them as they bring peace to my soul and confidence to my own struggles… that I am not alone or wrong or faithless…but human…waiting for God to show up and bring beauty from the ashes. Thank you.
I will go back and read this again; then again. I plan to copy & send it to my sisters. Through your horrendous lament comes a powerful message we each need to hear and fully understand: " … faith, unchallenged by unsettling times, never anchors at its deepest level."
I hate it that you must endure these uglies. In my heart you are as lovely as a soaring eagle; a summer sonnet – in flesh and in spirit.
It is penned in the ancient text: "When the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?" (Luke 18:8)
I will point to you, Elaine, and say "You bet He does!"
Warm affections & a hug,
Kathleen
wifeforthejourney:
Even as I have returned to your post today, I find in reviewing the comments people have left, a desire to write more. One of the lonely things about cancer is, as you and countless others have said to the healthy people around you: "You don't understand."
One of life's constants is that there are SOME things in life you can't understand, unless you have "been there" yourself. Even us caregivers are "on the outside looking in" on cancer. We are witnesses to the suffering of our loved ones, but we don't REALLY know your pain.
However, what I find profound about this post and the others you have shared over the last four months is the RESPONSE to what you have written and disclosed about
your experience with cancer. What I see is how your honesty HAS resonated with the common human experience of suffering. We may not all "understand" each other's pain and how pain manifests itself, but love is a common ground that everyone can stand on, and the love that grows from out of suffering – well California redwoods don't have roots as deep as love watered with suffering.
What a wonder it is for us to see that the Lord chose to overcome suffering, sin and death – not by avoiding it, but by going THROUGH it – for us, and with us. Like Job did in Job 19:25-27, it is in our hardships that we find the Lord is our Redeemer.
I believe one of the ways God will redeem your suffering, indeed He is already actively at work, in how other people are responding to your experience with breast cancer. Christ is with you, and with everyone who is hurting and He knows "just how you feel." What an awesome thing to behold, that God can take such misery and bring something good that you, and others, can keep forever.
May we all continue to comfort one another, to bear one another's burdens and to remind each other that our Redeemer lives!
~ Billy
Dear Elaine,
That is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. I believe that Jesus esteems your honesty in sharing both the good times and the rough times. I have been following your journey and your bravery, sense of humor, and radiant faith are breathtaking. You inspire so many. My prayers will continue for you in the days to come.
Blessings,
Susan
Elaine, thankyou for sharing with us here. I know that authenticity is so benefecial to our walks with Him…I have recently finished a book that I think would encourage you. You are right. The righteous will live by faith. The book I read was When the Hurt Runs Deep: Healing and Hope for Life's Desperate Moments by Kay Arthur.
Love in Him, ((HUGS)), Blessings to you today,
katiegfromtennessee
It's amazing to me Elaine, that through all your pain, struggle and what you term as "The Ugly Side" of yourself, all I could see from your words was God's Love shining through the cracks.
Your pain is real, and an absolute tragedy of the flesh. And yet, through the turmoil and suffering you've been given a truly unique view on your Faith in the process.
He Loves, and Cares, and Saves. You get that, and that's obvious to all those who read your words.
My heart aches for your tortured flesh and tired spirit Elaine, and I pray for your relief and healing.
Thank you so much for sharing with all of us Dear Lady. You Bless and inspire more than I think you realize.
~Phil
Elaine,
You are so awesome. It takes so much courage to share all of your thoughts with us. We'll cherish all of them – the good,the bad and the ugly – because they are a part of you, a precious child of God! You certainly put my little aches and pains in perspective. What a blessing you are to me and my developing and expanding – little by little – and growing knowledge of our precious Lord and Savior!
Many prayers and much love,
Jane
Oh girl, how my heart beat with each of your words. The truth, the realness of this horrible disease that leaves it mark in awful ways….the scars, the pain, the tiredness, the ugly, the physical marrings….BUT GOD…what truth you spoke into all of our hearts. That the physical is used for the spiritual, for a deepened seed to take root.
Breast cancer has left those same physical scarrings on me…those same "that's are mine, as well…oh how my heart aches alongside you and with you. But.the work He is doing is below the surface into the heart matters….and the physical scarrings will fade away with time and be an altar of Christ's power and work in the inner being. He is being reflected. He is being seen. You are beautiful because He is. That is what I see in you….so much of Him.
Carry on, sweet friend. You are so close. Praying you through…..
Much love,
Stacy
"for all of the ugly I currently see, a cross was given as the remedy"
Precisely!
Elaine,
If only I could write what my heart feels. I don't even know where or how to start. You know how to grab me and leave me looking for words. Your honesty and your faith speak powerfully. Thank you for sharing you. In my opinion, I see NO ugly in you. Instead I see beautiful you. I love you as you are. You are a real friend, a faithful follower of Jesus through it all. Cancer is ugly, yes, but you are not cancer. You are HIS BELOVED.
Praying for healing and peace and rest,
tiff
Elaine – thank you for sharing your heart with us. But let me tell you, that you are beautiful. You will feel that again! God is working through you and in you and the work He is doing is amazingly beautiful!
I love you my friend and am praying for you daily!
Dear Elaine,
I'm at loss to add anymore to what has been said tonight.
If we are all honest as you are, we'd be posting about "our ugly sides" too.
God only sees your heart, and that has remained beautiful.
Thanks for for keeping it real in your journey of cancer.
I will continue to cry out for you dalily.
And always remember:
Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
Struggling with how to communicate my response to your words, I remember Job's "comforters" and have decided to refrain from words. There just aren't any.
I love you, Elaine.
Elaine,
I'm so praying for you…daily. You are so vulnerable before us and I appreciate that.
Thanks also for commenting on my blog post. You are always so sweet.
Sheryl
Elaine,
I know where you are now. I was there this last year. It is ugly,it's a place only God could pull me out of. He did, he is , he has.
I don't wish this on anyone but I know you will use it in a mighty way–understanding others who feel the same way,. Blessings!
I read this post this morning… and decided to read it one more time before leaving a response.
My words will be few. For you have dared to entrust your precious pearls to us, I hold them in my hands, and lift them up to our Father, our Creator. The One who alone redeems…and transforms our ashes into a crown of beauty.
I'm with you in this process. God hears the cry of your heart, dear Elaine.
Keeping you close,
Lidj
Elaine, I agree with what many have shared here – we may not go through the exact same thing, but in some way we all go through the fire and have the ugly to deal with. Still praying for your health, and you know, I can see the beauty God is creating in you, you are shining for all the world to see! We should all strive to go through our trials with faith like yours!
And I have to add another comment – your ability to express what you are going through through your writing is pretty amazing. You write so very well.
Oh my sweet, beautiful friend, though my journey is different, I too have been feeling the ugly and I too am tired of it. I am going on a fast to cleanse my spiritual, physical and emotional well-being. Not sure that would be the step for you with your current health. However, I believe God wants you to experience these emotions, these frustrations so you can journey later with other women who will need your guidance and your story. Keep moving forward. Keep clinging to Him and please keep sharing. We are here to carry you as best as we can. You are a loved and respected women of God…rest assured, rest securely in Him (Deut 33:12).
Love you.
Believing Him~Pamela
Beloved friend,
I am glad for your naming the ugly. I am glad to call hateful the attempted and sometimes successful destruction of what God in the beginning looked on and said, "it is good." And I am glad most of all for the evidence of redemption, whether in nature or in the human heart. To tell the truth and live with it authentically is a work of God's grace. I thought of you this morning when reading the words of Graham Scroggie's thoughts on Psalm 35:
"Anyone can sing when the trouble ceases, but to sing while it lasts, as David did (10, 18), and to call others in to help us sing our song (27, 28), that is to triumph."
And so we are changed – from glory to glory. In my case, who woulda thought?
Love to you dear and triumphant Bravest Heart.
Judith
times of naming and claiming
cleansing times to allow more room for the Holy Spirit's consuming every neche of our being…
praying His Spirit continues breathing His presence into every nook and cranny, inside and out, top to bottom…for He KNOWS every 'hair' on your head..haha, you know what I mean…did'ja giggle? I hope so 😉
Oh sweet Elaine,
Cancer is so ugly but you, my friend are beautiful. Your heart shines so clearly, even in the midst of the confusion and exhaustion cancer leaves, God's truth shines brighter.
I pray for strength as you continue. Even though my journey hasn't been near as physically draining or demanding as yours, I find myself exhausted and unable to think straight many days. I pray we both find a consistent "good place" soon.
Sending love and gentle hugs,
Lisa
PS I don't think raw honesty is ugly. It just gets that way when we don't allow ourselves to acknowledge it. So, get it out and we will pray you through it.
Much love to you tonight, Elaine. Thank you for your teaching. I consider you a mentor. I want to learn from you more about loving our heavenly Father.
I came back to check because though I was deeply moved by this post, I too struggled for words to communicate back to you Elaine. We all struggle with some kind of ugliness. There is ugliness in my past that I wish I could go back and erase, and ugliness in my present that smacks me now and then. Remembering that God can only look at us through the lens of that ugly cross and somehow sees us as something very beautiful and valuable is a mystery that while we will never understand it, we know it is true and we can rest our weary souls in Him. Brighter days are ahead, so many of us are believing it for you.
Elaine,
You can't know the depths my heart appreciates "the ugly" with us…we love you all the more for entrusting your honesty & transparency to us. Oh, how I want that faith that holds despite the human condition, faith that anchors at its deepest level. It certainly doesn't come cheaply or easily (and it shouldn't). Thank you again for opening your heart and letting it spill. Going to be pondering on this post for a good long time. Love you.
you amaze me daily, thank you.
You inspire me with your open, honest posts. I'm reminded to tell you that God loves you and you are perfect in His eyes. Your scar is just a reminder that you have not succumbed…you are a fighter (a battle scar, so to speak)! Your depth and your grace, even in your self-imposed "ugliness" are an inspiration to us all! Prayers continue for his grace to see you through this battle. Hugs & much love ~ Merana
Elaine,
It has been some time since I have stopped by to read your thoughts. I can't say that I'm completely caught up to where you are but you know your posts are very long. But, I've digested those above this one.
This post and your faith post above it has spoken to this weary heart today. I can't manage to be as vulnerable as you are but your sharing helps me be honest with the ugly side of me in my journey through suffering.
Your list of "thats" helped me be thankful for some of them I can still do but made me think of my own list:
~ That I had the neck strength to hold up my head all day without "ice pack breaks."
~ That I could clean my house all by myself.
~ That I could do my grocery shopping all by myself.
~ That I could wash my hair in the kitchen sink (so that I wouldn't have to go to my fitness club feeling like a slob).
But I'm thankful that with all my efforts to live with my limitations, I am slowly making some progress with strength building exercises. My heart vacillates between being weary and being encouraged. But, this is normal…and I know it is okay.
I'm thankful we both have God given life buddies that walk this journey with us. And I'm delighted that my Judy-Mom has been one of them for you too!
Amy