Do any of you ever go back and read some of your old blog posts? If you’ve been blogging for a season or two or ten, then I imagine you’ve collected a few hundred by now. I don’t often re-visit my own. I’ve printed them off and organized them in three-ring binders over the years, but rare are the occasions when I peruse their contents. But today I did. Today I reached back over time to a year ago today, March 8th, to see if anything flowed from my pen on that occasion.
I wanted to know what was going on in my mind and heart in that season. To see how things have changed for me… where I was back then, where I am today in relation to my back then. I was delighted to discover that on March 8, 2010, I was in the middle of writing my Breakfast on the Beach with Jesus series; in particular Part Five: Eating What We’re Served. It’s one of my favorite series of posts that I’ve written. One of my favorite “talks” to give when asked to speak at a corporate gathering. Why?
Because, even as the conversation was intimate for Peter and Jesus some 2000 years ago, it’s one of the most intimate talks I’ve ever had with God as well. In Part Five, I write about some of excuses we offer the Lord for missing out on our morning meals with him.
1. Too intimate; a heart is often exposed when dining with the Master.
2. Too picky in regards to what’s being served; menu is often confrontational when receiving from the Master.
3. Too busy; schedule is often postponed when sitting with the Master.
And I am struck by my own reminder. When I wrote those words a year ago, I wasn’t struggling with my morning breakfasts with Jesus. In fact, there weren’t many days back then when I would willingly break from the fire to tend to other things. Even when I did, I carried the fire with me. I was all about Jesus and more than willing to eat whatever he was serving.
Today I weep with remembrance. Today I think upon that season… how rich and full and expectant I was and how, now, I long for nothing more than to return to those moments. To feel like I felt. To be fed by his hands. To know the warmth of a fire that nearly scorched me because of my close proximity to its flames. It was a beautiful season for me, even though my family was in the midst of an impending move. Even though we were undergoing a test of our faith in regards to church life. Even though change was imminent, requiring our strong willingness and obedience to acquiesce to God’s requirements. Despite the swirling chaos around me, God’s fire was burning brightly within me, and the Red Sea in front of me was nothing more than a hop, skip, and a jump to my “next.”
That was then, and this is now, and I wonder about that fire. That intimacy. That breakfast, and that Jesus. I want to go back there and know now what I knew back then. It’s not that the intimacy, the breakfast, the flames, and the Jesus aren’t the same, aren’t available and were only reserved for that moment in time. My mind and heart know differently, believe differently. I know that my Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. That what he had for me back then is what he has for me right now.
But my feelings aren’t there; not today. Not in the same way they were back then. Certainly I know what it is to be in relationship with Jesus; my faith has held, despite the recent assaults to my flesh. But those assaults have taken their toll, friends; they’ve robbed me of some of my passion. They’ve dulled my senses, broken my stride, and forced me to look at life through clouded lenses. It’s not what I’ve asked for; it’s simply what I’ve been given, and today I weep for a former season that didn’t hold so much loss.
Today I remember March 8, 2010. I remember those dining room windows and HWY 581 that served as my backdrop for my writing. I remember the urgent delight I felt when sending the kids off to school knowing that my time with Jesus was soon to arrive, and then out of that time, the overflow of a few words would make their way to print. I remember sensing that all was well with my soul and that I was firmly, resolutely walking smack dab in the middle of God’s will. I remember saying to my husband that no matter the road blocks ahead, this is what we must do, this is how we must live. That we were on the right path. That…
God’s plans for our lives have never felt so good… so right… so much of a “faith” thing.
And so we stepped out in faith. And now here we are, still anchored in faith, but in a different place; a different season; a different backdrop; a different test; a further trust.
Life doesn’t feel as good as it did a year ago. Faith doesn’t as well. But it is what I must do. Faith is how I must live. It’s what I’ve been named, Faith Elaine. God’s plans for my life feel jumbled… off kilter… a more difficult abiding than in previous seasons. We’re still having breakfast on the beach, Jesus and me, because my memory serves me well. And my memory tells me that an early morning fire with food from the Master’s hand is a good start for my everyday. But it’s been a long time since I’ve known the fullness of that last time… the “sure and certain” of my year ago.
Thank God for a record of remembrance… for a few years’ worth of written testimony to the reality of seasons and the ebbing and flowing of emotion therein. They buoy me along, speaking of a history that I am prone to forgetting, reminding me that faith is the anchor that holds me despite all the changes that come my way. I don’t know what I’ll be writing about a year from now, March 8, 2012. I don’t know what twists and turns, mountains and valleys await my up and coming year. But I hope that when I arrive there, that I’ll have a year’s worth of penned remembrances to look back upon that recall the steady faithfulness of my God. I hope to still be pulling my boat on shore and running to the fire to receive breakfast from his hands.
It’s what I plan to do. It’s all I know to do. It’s simply the best I can do. Accordingly, I’ll keep doing.
Doing breakfast.
Doing faith.
Doing Jesus…
believing that with all of the doing, my feelings will catch up with my year ago to become a rich stone of remembrance for the seasons to come.
You are a good people to “do” faith with, friends. In a season when so much else around me is changing, it’s a comfort to have the consistency of your presence in my life. I pray for you many intimate times with Jesus by the fire in coming days. Don’t forsake your breakfast moments with him. He has come to do life with us, impart life to us, live as life within us. To know that kind of life is to receive from his hands each day. Don’t wait for your feelings to urge you toward the shoreline. Go in obedience. He stokes the fire in anticipation of your arrival. As always…
Peace for the journey,
~elaine
As I was driving alone today, I was thinking how my life has changed in so many ways. To the outside observer, things may look quite the same. But they are not. Never will be the same again.
There are many moments when I long for 2008, before job losses, ski accidents, cancer and loss.
But we cannot go back, can we. Only further. Further in faith.
I think that when you regain more of your physical strength, you'll find yourself 'feeling' more like you did back then. What I think will be different is that your faith will be even deeper, because it's been tried. You've now walked the faith that you talked….and you continue to walk it. And we're so blessed that you choose to share it with us.
"He stokes the fire in anticipation of your arrival…" These words create a strong image in my mind. How can I not make my way to the fire? To Him?
I've been on the "remembering track" this week as well Elaine. Certainly flamed by different circumstances than your own, but ones that have inspired reflection all the same. And yet while events in my life may have caused me to divert from what I originally intended, my Faith has been tempered and honed by that course change.
I pray your season of change leads you to an even better peace Elaine, and that next year you can look back on today's post and see the beginning of a divinely lit path.
Have a Blessed Day!
Over the past couple of months, life presenting me with Mom's extended illness consumed me more and more. Not what I wanted but how it happened. Daily devotion time fell to the side and with it, a source of strength I needed! Wasn't done intentionally…it was a casualty.
This week, we resumed life as best we can, including reinstating our devotion time. Already I see the difference.
I wish in my course of blogging I had kept all my posts, but I didn't. I never felt that people went back to read them, so I eliminated them periodically. Some I kept. Some I published in Blurb books. Some are forever gone. But the ones I have kept have been a blessing to go back to read. Reminders of where I was and that God was there with me.
Elaine, you WILL get back to where you were and even BETTER ! That's just the kind of person you are!
Love you so much friend!!!
Marilyn…in Mississippi
somehow i still hear your faith even though
you don't feel it. our feelings are so
fleeting and undependable. you may have
been close to the flames then, but you are
walking through them now. in another few
months, you will look back again and be
amazed at the place of faith you have
secured.
i am praying for your complete deliverance
from this physical struggle. He is faithful.
When i look back, I often remember only the good things, wishing sometimes for the way things once were. i often forget that life has never been perfect. The truth is that day by day life is a journey of faith, with all kinds of good, bad and ugly. When I keep that in mind and look back, I am reminded of how far I have come, how far the Lord has brought me. And I have to wonder, if given the chance, would i change things. I don't know.
Continued prayers as you continue to heal, gain new strength and remember when. May God shower you with precious blessings as you look ahead.
"It’s not what I’ve asked for; it’s simply what I’ve been given, and today I weep for a former season that didn’t hold so much loss."
I can relate to that statement even though I haven't gone through the trial you have. My thoughts and prayers are with you today, dear friend.
You have a firm foundation of faith, Elaine. Chemotherapy wreaks havoc in one's body physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Allow yourself time to heal and grow stronger. God will certainly restore what the enemy has tried to destroy!
Praying for you to feel the warmth of God's love as he wraps his arms around you.
Love you…
So often in life I have stopped, taken a deep breath, and reminded myself that THESE ARE the good old days to come. They sometimes feel bland or threadbare or pained, these todays; but I know that I know that I know the day will come that they'll have acquired the golden glow all the rest of my treasured times do.
I don't doubt your faith for one scintilla of a second. Already it has a golden hue from where I sit.
Praying for & loving you, dear one.
Kathleen
I agree with Melanie, Elaine! I too long for the 'before' loss time of life. But life doesn't allow us the freedom of going back, only forward. So forward we walk our journeys, both together and alone.
Even in our weakness we are made strong and in your weakness now you shine forth His Strength and I love it!!
I send Hugs, Love and Blessings to you friend! Cindy
What a beautiful, and thought-provoking post. It has been an honor to be here, living life with you. You are always in my prayers. You WILL return to those breakfasts, my friend.
So true, my precious friend. Sometimes it is in the doing that our feelings catch up. Obedience brings us closer to our Father. Makes me want to look back to a year ago and see where I was… and where I am… praying it is hanging out with Jesus by the fire.
Much love to you!
Hi Elaine,
You've so beautifully penned what so many of us feel. At best our faith undulates from highs to lows. I think CS Lewis gave it a catchy name that escapes me.
Even when I have minor physical issues my faith stumbles and my state of mind deteriorates. It's hard to feel great about anything when you feel horrible. This season of physical assault will pass and in time you'll once again experience that fullness and closeness of 2010.
Love to you,
Kelli
Elaine,
I long for those times just a few years ago, when I too was so "on fire" for the Lord….my faith and walk was so strong. Loved being a womens teacher and encouraging and nurturing….
Amazing how "things" can interfere and affect/alter your focus…
You are such a blessing…your transparency is so beautiful, and we leave here being so touched by it all.
~Beth
I weep with remembrance too, Elaine. As you know, I have a link on my page to your series of Breakfast on the Beach with Jesus. It is one of my favorites too.
I was where you are now during that series. All I wanted to do was just stay on the beach with Jesus. I didn't want to get in the boat – I didn't want to go fishing. I simply needed to be with my master..for an extended stay.
I certainly feel your words tonight. They come alive in my own spirit. I love the way your honesty speaks the very words with in my own heart.
We must expect the valleys…they are partly the reason for those towering mountain top experiences.
Weep no more my lady…Jesus is planing a retreat to the beach for you. In time, your passion will be reignited by His fire. Your spiritual passion restored.
From our viewpoint – you haven't missed His gentle whispers. You're still faithfully sharing what He shares with you. This is reality blogging. One heart – in love with Jesus – sharing His love wherever she can.
We love you back!
Praying for you tonight, Elaine.
Blessings for a renewed passion in your current journey
Patrina <")>><
what may not be loud and clear to you right now is to me…your faith. It shines brightly and fills my heart and spirit with inspiration and strength. May you be blessed with healing and love.
Wanted to share this:
Today, I want to introduce you to my Dad. I asked him to write down some of the powerful thoughts he's shared with me from the moment my battle started that have helped me to keep my focus where it should be. His words have just helped me so much, and I knew that it could be of help to others who may read, because I believe we all face significant battles. Satan is active seeking to pull us away and he spares no one in his quest. So, I pray that these words may sink in to your heart as well, and they can help you guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus
From my dad:
When we arrived that fateful Tuesday morning, I saw clearly what I had detected in your voice on the phone. No “wringing of hands”… no “fretful wailing”…just a weary surrender to an overwhelming enemy …cancer…advanced cancer…active cancer…
I begged you not to lose hope, but rather to prepare yourself for the life and death “battle for your mind and heart.” Satan is tremendously skilled in prompting our minds to focus on the seemingly insurmountable foes that present themselves during our lifetime. He whispers “give up”…”give in”…“just let it go.” He loves to come to us in the darkness of night, on the dreary days, in the lonely hours, and when we are physically weak. And he is very good at what he does.
Some 2000 years ago, Paul pleaded with us to battle for our hearts and minds. When the sudden onset of a powerful calamity threatens to overwhelm, he exhorts us to…
take our eyes OFF the danger before us
reminisce about the many times the Almighty God has powerfully intervened and come to our rescue and give thanks.
And with that renewed recognition and trust in the ALMIGHTY, we pray and make “supplication” (The certain outcome is “the peace that passes understanding” that “will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” So says Paul in Philippians 4:6-7.
So fight hard for your mind and heart! In this spiritual and physical tug of war in which you are now engaged, don’t be overcome by the view of the powerful enemy that would pull you into the abyss before you, but instead, ever hold on to the “rope of hope.”
Look over your shoulder, and see the powerful armies of God who are pulling with you, and let the strength of His mighty arms pull you to safety.
He has said to me repeatedly, think about what God has done! Focus THERE, not on the enemy!!
All the medical community and doctors can do is define and measure the size of the enemy (the cancer, in this case). But no matter what is found:
THAT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE POWER THAT GOD CAN UNLEASH IF HE WANTS TO DO SO.
So, Dad asks me, where are your eyes? Where is your mind?
There is our battle. But even that, we don't fight alone. That's the beauty of the Holy Spirit – that can HELP us in our weakness!
So when we try and encourage someone who is weak, who we know is engaged in a battle, I don't believe it is helpful to tell them, "It's ok to feel scared, it's ok to be afraid, it's ok to doubt, it's ok to not be strong all the time." (Unless they have already shared those emotions with you) Instead we need to remind each other not in a preachy, judgmental way – let's take our eyes off that, off the scary enemy, and let's force our minds back to Jesus, let's look at God together, and remind ourselves of His promises and His actions in the past. His power!
What Dad says Paul says is true – the only certainty He says we have from those supplications, is the PEACE. Not the answers exactly as we're asking for them, but PEACE.
But from where I'm sitting, that is enough. The peace is indescribable, and it blocks the fear. When peace fills you, the fear cannot take hold. And when you are thankful you don't see the enemy.
It is certain. Paul says it. God says it.
Do you really believe it? It's either true or it's false.
THE PEACE IS CERTAIN if we will only battle in this way!
Sweet Elaine, bo not grow weary and tread on. Believe there is a plan, a purpose in all of this and know it is much bigger than you alone can handle. There is a bigger "gain" in your loss…search for it diligently!!
Still praying for you daily. I don't travel back through my blogs much but maybe I will today…later…
Believing Him~Pamela
I just read your fathers words…how powerful and how presious for you and for us!!
Believing Him~Pamela
Again, how I relate to what you write. You have such a wonderful way of expressing yourself and soo often I recognize the state of your heart. Some roads we travel down (especially the ones we would have rather skipped or taken a bridge over) leave us ragged and tired and changed. I too look back sometimes and wonder if my faith or my heart longings will ever be what they were before. But I can honestly tell you I am FINALLY getting there. Enough time haa gone by on this last rocky road where I can look back and see just how much it did strengthen my faith and leave me forever changed in a GOOD way. This is just a season of restoration for you and like other seasons it to will pass, and you will move on with even stronger faith and ability to share that faith with others. I am quite anxious to go back and read that series that you wrote about here. Again, can't ever express how much your writing ministers to me. Still praying for you. HUGS, Debbie
Precious Faith Elaine~
I weep with you for the changes the last year has brought to your life. Unexpectedly, my husband was weeping this morning with the grief of loss we have been experiencing and it was so hard to watch. Of course, I grieved all of January and broke 2 ribs from the bronchitis that would not quit, so he is entitled.
But though I feel your loss keenly, I so rejoice in the FAITH that has carried you through and the rich transparency with which you share such a priceless gift!
Thank you dear one for praying for all of us who accompany you on this journey called life. We praise GOD for your concern and love more than you know.
In HIS tender grip~ Jess
wifeforthejourney:
It is a blessing to be able to look back and see "where we've been." Your blog is a resource for us all, but a unique journal of your own faith journey.
God bless you this morning and continue to encourage you in the here and now!
Love,
Billy
I, too, consider my past. But, I am no longer that person. I have been changed by circumstances, teachings, intimate time with the LORD. God is working to bring me into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ.
It's not an easy life. But, it is a spiritually abundant one. It's not a "feeling" faith. It is a believing faith.
God is always molding, teaching, loving.
Praying for you always,
Sheryl
Oh, Elaine!you have had the courage to write for me to read what I know is true in me too. Thank you my dear and precious friend!! And thank You, thank You Sweet JESUS for breakfast — I will keep coming until my feelings of a time ago return. Amen and amen.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Kathie
Part of me is afraid to look back on my blogs but funny thing is, this morning I read back in my journal to a year ago. I wanted to remind myself that God still is caring about me and that I'm still here.
Sweet Elaine – so many times we go through times of mourning…yet we don't recognize it. It sounds like you recognize the mourning and the hard places you've been in. And in the sharing of these hard places, I believe there is a renewing of your faith. You are remembering God's faithfulness. You are remembering His holiness and goodness. You are declaring His goodness…even in the midst of your valley.
And we, your readers, are grateful for the work He has done in you, through you and continues to do in you and through you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!
Elaine, you have said it all so well. All the things I was thinking and wanting to say to you, you ended up saying. Feelings come and go, ebb and flow. We've just got to soldier on, don't we? You're doing just what you need to do. Staying faithful and doing faith in spite of the feelings that aren't what you want.
Love you and praying for you!
I was looking in some of my journal today remembering good times also. I loved the breakfast series too. You have had much to contend with over the past nine months Elaine. There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think it is Jesus with some bacon cooking:)just for you. B
Oh this is kind of crazy…just thought of it. Last night I had a dream about God calling me to breakfast. I got up at 2:30 in the morning and wrote that. We were having biscuits, ham, and gravy. I was so thirsty. By the way, I never eat that but my dream was about Him calling me home to breakfast. I am utterly fascinated by this connection to your post now. Something's sizzling Elaine…do you perceive it? B
Oh Elaine, what a gift to go back and read what was in your heart a year ago. Although so much has changed, including the way your emotions have shifted, there is still a fire inside of you which can't be extinguished. Your testimony through this difficult part of the journey will also be a reminder at a later time. I pray that you will look back on these writings years from now remember it all…that it will be a reminder of the faith that anchored and carried you through one of the most difficult times of your life and the God who never left your side nor never stopped reminding you of His love for you;
not to mention the blessing of your words to all of us and how you ministered to our souls during this time!
I came across an old journal of mine this morning and pondered some of the same thoughts you did. It never ceases to amaze me how much life can change in a year. O Lord, make us strong women who use every bit of it for your glory!!
Thank you for your honesty and transparentcy throughout this difficult season,Elaine.
With continued prayers~ Mariel
Just wondering how you are doing. I had your recent surgery in September…and knowing the swing I went through emotionally…I just wanted to let you know that you were on my mind. Praying.